


Yang's Pun Central

by orphan_account



Category: RWBY
Genre: Comedy, Humor, Puns & Word Play
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-05
Updated: 2018-01-05
Packaged: 2019-02-28 16:21:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 20,394
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13275279
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Ladies and Gentlemen, Hunters and Huntresses step right down to Yang's Pun Central, a collection of stories guaranteed to make you laugh, cry or want to massage the Author's throat. And as Yang would say, it's gonna be a pun-tacular experience. Xiao Long folks see you in the story ;) .





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer:- I don't own RWBY

* * *

**At the Beacon prom**

Yang and Ruby stood leaning on the railing looking down at the couples dancing on the prom floor. Yang grinned looking at her friends having a good time. She heard her partner's chuckle and shifted her eyes to her and Sun. Blake clutched her stomach and tried to stifle her laughter while Sun spoke to her with whole body animation, his tail swirled in the air unable to decide whether it wanted to remain taut or loose. Yang's smile softened and she rested her chin on her hand.

_Now let's see if I can spot Weiss._ Her eyes roamed the hall.

_Prof. Port, Coffee addict, Ninja boy, Pink hurricane, Jauny girl... he really shouldn't bend that low, Cereal girl with a nosebleed, Madame discipline, a crow drinking the punch which Cardin's now filling his cup with._

Yang pursed her lips.

_Should I?_

She tilted her head.

_Nah. Why ruin the crow's night?_ Yang shifted her attention to the chairs beside the windows.

_Ah, now there's our resident princess._

Seeing her seated beside Neptune, Yang nudged Ruby. "Hey sis look your partner's got company. Seems like someone cracked her Weiss-y exterior."

Ruby frowned at her sister. "Yang, come on she's not that bad. Well other than when it's Jaune but still."

She turned her attention to her partner. "I wonder what kind of person he is."

_Aww, she ignored my pun. Well try this one on for size sis!_

Yang threw her arm around her sister. "Don't worry Rubes I bet he's a Weiss-cracker for sure." she said with a lopsided grin.

"Yang." Ruby whined. "Can't you go five minutes without dropping a pun."

"Sorry sis, not hap-pun-ing". Yang struck out her tongue.

Ruby sighed and covered her face. A tiny giggle escaped her though.

Meanwhile, a scruffy crow burped in satisfaction and fell on the table beside the punch bowl and an open liquor bottle.

_Seriously, what was Oz thinking not spiking the punch? He's lucky I always got a spare._

The crow tried to get up but found itself too lazy and inebriated.

_Meh, I'll just take a nap._ It gave up trying to stay awake and let the sweet embrace of sleep whisk it away.

"Mr. Winchester." said a controlled voice.

Cardin turned his head to see an irate Glynda Goodwitch staring him down.

"Yes, Professor?" he said with a gulp.

"How many fingers have I held up."

Cardin squinted. "Uuh *hic* six?"

Glynda narrowed her eyes and turned around. "Please come with me to the staffroom ."

Cardin stepped back with wide eyes and shook his head. "Sorry professor *hic* can't do that."

Glynda glanced at him with a raised brow. "And why is that?"

"I'm not into cougars."

Everyone in the vicinity stopped what they were doing and turned to gape at Cardin. Glynda looked shocked before she brought out her riding crop. She smiled and her eyes began glowing.

"Excuse me, _Mr. Winchester?"_

"Y-Yes?"

"I believe the infirmary would be more appropriate."

A thrown coffee mug blocked the telekinetic explosion aimed at him but the shockwave catapulted him towards the wall. He hit his head and his vision faded to black.

The next thing Cardin knew he was groaning in the infirmary with Ozpin, Port and Oobleck unconscious in the beds opposite to his.


	2. Tai and Zwei

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own RWBY

* * *

**3 years ago in Patch**

As the clock struck twelve Yang blew the candle on the cake. She looked up when Taiyang, Ruby and Qrow clapped for her.

"Happy birthday Yang!" Ruby barreled into her sister and the two of them fell laughing onto the sofa. Yang cut a piece of the cake and held it out for Ruby who promptly ate it. "Hmm chocolate~"

Taiyang chuckled and walked upto his daughters. "Happy birthday kiddo." he said ruffling Yang's hair. Yang smiled back. "Thanks dad."

"Hey Yang, catch." Yang caught the book Qrow tossed at her and frowned.

"A book? Aw, I thought you'd get me that game you had." she said turning over the book.

"Quit complainin' kid. You need to appreciate books more." said Qrow, eating the piece he'd cut for himself.

"He's right Yang." Tai nodded. "Tell you what you finish reading it this week and then we'll go buy that game okay?"

"Do I get 2 if I finish it soone- oop!"

Qrow shoved a cherry into her mouth. "Anyway, see you girls tomorrow."

"Bye *yawn* bye Uncle Qrow" said Ruby with her eyes drooping.

"Bye old man." said Yang. She ducked away from a departing Qrow's fist.

"Oh and Tai." Qrow stopped at the door and looked back with a grin and twinkle in his eye.

"Yeah?"

" _Have fun."_ he said before stepping out and leaving trails of sadistic laughter into the night.

For the curious souls out there the book's title read-

'You can be a Punter too!'

* * *

**Day 1 of the Pun-ishing**

Taiyang buttoned up his shirt and stood in front of the mirror. He smiled and flicked his hair back.

"Daaad." Yang entered his room.

"Hm, what's up?" He turned to his daughter. "You ready to go?"

Yang nodded. "You look great in that shirt dad but you know what would make you look cooler."

"What?"

"A Tai." Yang held up a polka dotted tie up to him and grinned.

"What do you m- oh Oh my name and a tie. Uh good one?" Tai said, smiling for her.

Yang whooped and ran back to her room.

* * *

**Day 2**

Qrow and Taiyang sat in the staffroom at Signal. They chatted as they graded their students' papers.

"And then she gives me a tie. I mean, I didn't even get that she was trying to joke till a second later." Taiyang said.

Qrow chuckled. "Come on Tai let it go. It's probably just a phase." He uncorked his bottle and took a swing.

Yang knocked the door.

Taiyang saw her through the window.

"Yang?"

Yang waved at him. "Hey dad its Tai-me to go."

Qrow choked and spluttered. Taiyang's eye twitched. "Ha ha I'll be right there honey. Go get Ruby okay?"

" 'Kay" she said and walked away.

Qrow snickered. "Yeah its Tai-me to go alright."

Taiyang growled at him. "You are not helping."

* * *

**Day 4**

Taiyang sat in the living-room reading the paper and watching his youngest play with the dog. Ruby grunted as she rolled Zwei upside down .

"Oof! What are eating Zwei? You're so heavy."

Yang popped her head in from the kitchen.

"Hey Ruby what do you think his Zweight is?"

Ruby looked back with a blank face.

"I mean he Zwei-s a lot right?"

Taiyang had his head in his hands.

* * *

**Day 7**

Ruby and Yang panted as they stepped into the bullhead. Taiyang showed the driver his id and the three of them went to take a seat.

Yang wiped the sweat off her forehead.

"Whew that was Tai-ght. We almost missed it."

Taiyang banged his head.

"Dad stop! They'll think we're Tai-ing to break it."

Taiyang banged his head harder.

* * *

**Day 10**

Taiyang snuck into his daughter's room. He wanted to know what was responsible for rotting his daughter's brain.

He had a suspicion and wanted to confirm it. Qrow seemed happier lately. Too happy.

He rummaged through his daughter's bookshelf and found the book Qrow'd gifted her.

" 'You can be a Punter too' " he read the title out loud and opened the book.

He set it down after five minutes.

1...2...3...

"Damn you QROW!" he screamed.

Miles away in a forest.

Qrow looked up. "I sense a disturbance in the Tai."

He smirked as he beheaded the beowolf in front of him.

* * *

**A month later**

"You go to your room young lady." Taiyang glared at Yang.

Yang stomped her foot. "What's so wrong about puns. They're awesome!"

The main door opened and Qrow stepped in with Zwei hanging off his shoulder.

Taiyang shot his gaze at Qrow.

" _You."_

Qrow raised his brow. "What do you mean _you_. You're the one who sent me your dog in a tube."

Zwei licked Qrow's face.

"I swear if I didn't know you any better I'd say your semblance was putting your stuff into other stuff... Aaand my mind's in the gutter now."

Taiyang sat down with a sigh. "We were out of town and you were away at Vale." He shrugged.

Yang's eyes lit up. "Hey dad you can make a business out of it you know. You'd make a pretty big Tai-coon."

Taiyang sobbed.

Qrow stared proudly at Yang.

"You have learnt well my pupil."

Yang preened.

* * *

**Yang's pun of the day**

If Zwei ever took to crime what would he be?

A pant-y thief

Ba dum tish


	3. Newshour Beacon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer:- I don't own RWBY

* * *

Duun Dun-Dun Dun-Dun Duuun

The words 'Newshour Beacon' scrolled across the screen with fancy animations and music that made it sound important and engaging.

Duun Dun-Dun Dun-Dun Duuun

"Ladies and gentlemen welcome to Newshour Beacon the one and only news channel for hunters and huntresses in training. Where we bring you all the delicious and juicy information in Beacon, from staffroom scandals to local unsung heroes we dish it all so stay tuned."

The camera now turned to the news hosts.

"Our hosts for the night, Jaune Arc-"

Dressed in a suit, Jaune sips coffee and smiles with a wink.

"Hello there peeps. The name's Jaune Arc. Short, sweet, rolls off the tongue, ladies love it."

"Do they?" said his co-host.

The announcer continued.

"Jaune Arc, ladies and gentlemen is the author of the 100 day bestselling book 'How I faked my way into Beacon' and also the star of the movie 'The Noob Hunter' "

Jaune coughed while his co-host chuckled. "Hey who wrote that script?"

"And joining him for the night is his co-host, the beautiful, the sexy-"

The co-host blushed.

"-and ex-terrorist Blake Belladonna."

Blake hissed. "Hey who wrote that script?"

"And now to our hosts."

Duun Dun-Dun Dun-Dun Duuun

We get a close up of Jaune.

"Tonight ladies and gentlemen we bring you news of Beacon's first intra-school competition, the local weather and the story of a man who survived a great horror. Take it away Blake." He looked at his co-host.

"We'll be right back after some messages." said Blake flipping a page in her book.

"Hey wait that's too soo-"

Duun Dun-Dun Dun-Dun Duuun

* * *

**Advertisement**

"Never miss a beat.

Never miss a beat.

Even in the heat

of a battle~"

"Never miss a beat.

Never miss a beat.

Duke it in the street

go claim that mantle~"

The Funkytown is going live this season at the Schnee Stadium in Atlas. With all your favorite performances and a new never before heard single by Flynt Coal the funkies are raring to heat up your winter.

So book your tickets now before they run out.

Oh and please ignore Neon Katt's taunts. She's just Katt-y.

* * *

**Back to the studio**

Duun Dun-Dun Dun-Dun Duuun

Jaune and Blake come back on the screen.

"And welcome back folks." Jaune turned to Blake.

"Hey Blake what do you think Yang thought of FNKI's hit album?:

"What?"

"It wasn't punky enough."

Ba dum tish.

The stage hand played the laugh track.

"Augh." Blake palmed her face. "That was so bad."

Jaune scratched his head with a sheepish smile and picked up his papers.

"Now to our first story. The very first intra-school competition launched by Headmaster Ozpin and Professor Oobleck had a surprisingly good run. The finals are underway right as we speak. What's the story behind it Blake?"

"Well one day the headmaster was out strolling and found the students lazing about. Digging deeper he found the students just training, studying or wasting their time. Upon discussing this with Professor Oobleck they decided to launch a competition to encourage more educational pursuits."

"Thank you Blake. Folks we now present to you the final moments of Masterbrew Beacon. Enjoy."

* * *

**Masterbrew Beacon**

Ozpin and Oobleck sat in front of two cups of coffee.

Ozpin lifted his eyes from his cup and gazed at the contestant holding the tray to his chest. The contestant gulped.

"You have come a long way Mr. Ren. I still remember your first match. You escaped elimination by a hair's breadth didn't you."

Ren nodded.

Oobleck adjusted his glasses. "Ah. It is quite fortunate that you managed to stay in the competition. In the event that that had not happened then I must confess that I would have missed the opportunity of having sipped the delicious and wholesomely delectable brews you have come up with. In fact I-"

Ozpin put a hand on Oobleck's shoulder.

"Let's just taste it for now Bartholomew. We wouldn't want it to go cold now do we."

Oobleck nodded and the two held the cups and sipped the coffee. Their eyes widened.

"Oh mighty Oum." Ozpin breathed out. "This is the best coffee I've ever had in my life."

Oobleck uttered gibberish. Unable to catch up to his brain his voice box uttered a close approximation of- "Oh my gawd Izz soo good oh my gawd oh my gawd oh my gawd. I'd killz for zish concoction anydayzzzz." - at a 100x speed in a loop.

Ozpin and a vibrating Oobleck held up Ren's arm. "Ladies and gentleman the winner of the first Masterbrew Beacon."

"Give it up for Lie Ren."

The audience went crazy. One guy looked back and gulped seeing Nora standing near the exit. She smiled back at him and broke a plank against her knee. He whipped his head back and whooped with passion.

* * *

**Back to Blake and Jaune.**

"Now that was a great ending and congratulations to you Ren." Jaune gave the camera a thumbs up.

"I just hope Nora didn't overdo it." said Blake.

"Hey Blake can I ask you something?"

"Hm?"

"How does Sun have his coffee?"

"I don't know."

"He likes it Blake."

Ba dum tish.

The laugh track played.

"Eh? Eh? Good one right."

Blake glared at him with a blush adorning her face. She spoke through gritted teeth. "I swear if you do that again..."

Jaune pouted. "I thought that was good."

"Moving on-"

"You got the joke right? Black, Blake it kinda-"

" _Moving on._ Let's go to the weather."

* * *

**Weather**

Weiss sat with the side of her face to the screen. A makeup artist puffed her face with powder.

Noticing the camera on her Weiss turned.

"We're not done with the makeup yet so if you could just come back after 5 minutes." She shooed the camera away.

* * *

**Back to the hosts.**

"Were we just Schnee-d away?"

"Jaune shut up."

" 'Kay."

"And now to our last story of the day. The story of the survivor. Cardin Winchester had an accident yesterday in the mess hall. He'd tripped and used the worst possible grip for support... Yang's hair."

Jaune continued. "Mr. Winchester has reportedly suffered severe injuries and gone into hiding ever since. Our trusty reporter Ruby Rose found his whereabouts however and he graciously agreed to an interview."

Blake raised an eyebrow. "It had nothing to do with us threatening to give him up to Yang right?"

Jaune ignored her. "It's all yours Ruby."

* * *

**Interview**

Ruby and a cloaked Cardin sat in a dark room with poor lighting.

"So Mr. Winchester how was your experience?"

"T-that yellow m-m-monster." Cardin stammered and his body shook. "S-s-she was brutal. Augh it hurts thinking about it."

"Come on Cardin give me all the juicy details."

Cardin wore his cloak tighter and shook his head.

"Aw come on don't be such a wuss. Let's turn on the lights that'll cheer you up."

"H-hey what're you doing?"

"And off with the curtains. You really shouldn't shut yourself in you know."

The curtains opened to reveal a figure pressed to the glass pane.

It was Yellow.

It was grinning.

" _Hello Cardin~_."

It was Yang.

"Aaah!" Cardin screamed and dove through the window.

Ruby rushed to the window and looked down.

"No! Cardin are you okay." She turned to her sister. "Yang does aura protect you from a 4 storied drop."

"Oh don't worry about him Rubes. _I'll take care of him~_ "

And with that Yang left to catch her prey.

* * *

**Back to the studio**

"Well all the best to Cardin Flinchester. He's sure gonna need it."

Blake smiled. "And that's all the stories for tonight. See you all again next time for more exciting news. Signing off, I'm Blake Belladonna."

Jaune winked. "I'm Jaune Arc."

The both of them said together.

"And this is Newshour Beacon."

Duun Dun-Dun Dun-Dun Duuun.

* * *

**Deleted Scene 1**

"Hey Blake do you know what I'd have been if I wasn't accepted into Beacon?"

"What Jaune?"

"An Archaeologist."

* * *

**Deleted Scene 2**

"So Blake."

" _WHAT?"_

"If Roman was the headmaster of an academy what would he call it?"

"Say one word and I'll-"

"Be-a-con academy."

"Jaune..."

"Yes?"

"Start running."

"Why? Ahh! Hey! I'm sorry!"

* * *

**Yang's pun of the day**

If Ozpin made coffee worship mandatory in Beacon then how would it be?

Diffi-cult.


	4. Roasting Adam

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer:- I don't own RWBY

* * *

**In an empty room**

Adam woke up to find himself tied to a chair. He tried to pull himself free and gave up after a while.

"Whoever you are you can come now. I'm up."

The door opened. Adam squinted against the light. Seeing who'd come in he scowled.

"So it's you."

Blake and Yang sat down across him. Blake opened her mouth.

"Save it Blake. We both know I won't reveal anything."

Blake pursed her lips and looked at Yang.

"He's all yours. I'll be waiting outside." She got up and put her hand on Yang's shoulder. "Don't go easy on him."

Yang nodded and looked at Adam with a grin.

"Don't worry Blake I always wanted to try my hand at rodeo."

Adam growled.

The door closed, leaving Yang and Adam alone.

Adam glared at her. "Do your worst."

Yang raised her brow. "You sure about that?"

Adam stayed silent.

"Ookay you asked for it."

Outside the interrogation chamber Blake sat down on a chair and opened a book. The chamber sounds would've normally been muted but the builders hadn't taken faunus ears into consideration.

"So Adam all that revolting must make you thirsty right? What's your favorite drink?"

"Freedom."

"Nah, I bet it's red bull eh?

"... what?"

Blake sighed. It had begun. "I should've brought my ear muffs."

"Hey back when Blake was at the White Fang you must've peeked on her at least once right?"

"I do not like your insinuations."

"So you're saying you ain't horny? I call bullshit."

"... again. What?"

Blake gripped down hard on her book and gritted her teeth. "I really should've brought my ear muffs."

* * *

**It continues...**

"What do you call an Adam who takes no shits?"

Adam didn't respond.

"Adamant."

His eye twitched.

"So what kind of guy were you in high school"

"How long is this going to continue."

"I bet you were a bully."

A slow pressure began building up in Adam's head.

* * *

**15 minutes later...**

"If you were in the Martix what would your speciality be?"

Adam busied himself trying to cut though his bonds.

"Bull-ettime. Get it. 'Cause you're a bull." Yang slapped her knee and snickered. "Haah, I'm so funny."

* * *

**1 hour later...**

"What was your first job by the way?"

Adam was on the floor with the chair sticking up. He tried to block out Yang's voice by hitting his head against the floor. It was futile however as Yang crouched beside him.

"A bullhead driver right?"

Adam's brain throbbed.

* * *

**5 hours later...**

"How does Adam Taurus sleep at night?"

Adam's eyes had glazed over with a trail of droll trickling down his mouth.

"No more. N-no more please. Blake come back."

"He bulldozes."

"Grk... F-fine I give u-up. You win. Jus-just stop this torture."

Yang got up and stretched. "Whew that took longer than expected. Blake come on in its done."

A disheveled Blake entered the room and saw Adam barely holding on to his consciousness. She noticed Yang staring at Adam's form with a thoughtful look and became alarmed.

"Yang no-"

"Hey Blake what would you call a troubled Adam if he was a chick?"

"Yang we need that info-"

"Adam-sel in distress"

Thonk.

Adam's eyes rolled up and his head fell to the ground.

"Damn it Yang!"

"He he he. Sorry, I couldn't help myself." She didn't look sorry at all however with her hand behind her head and a impish smile on her face.

* * *

**Yang's pun of the day**

What does Blake read when she shops?  
A catalog.


	5. Pyrturbed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer:- I don't own RWBY

* * *

**Beacon Mess Hall**

Pyrrha put the spoon into her mouth, drinking the corn soup from her bowl. Eating her lunch along with her team she pulled out her scroll and checked her schedule. Ren and Nora were to her left, with Nora complaining about Ren not making her enough pancakes. Jaune sat to her right engrossed in a book and taking occasional bites from his meal.

She poked Jaune to draw his attention. "Jaune how about a training session today?"

Jaune looked up from his book and smiled at her. "Sure Pyrrha. That'd be Pyr-fect." He went back to his book.

Pyrrha blinked. "O-okay." She heard stifled laughter from across the table and saw Yang with her hand on her mouth. Noticing Pyrrha's gaze Yang waved at her.

Waving back Pyrrha wondered why Yang's smile had a sinister tinge to it.

* * *

**Combat class**

Pyrrha looked at the arena from the stands. Jaune still had the book with him and was reading it. Pyrrha watched as Nora's opponent ran away from her, crying.

"Come back! I promise I won't break anything too important."

"Professor please stop the match! She'll kill me."

Glynda had her head turned away however, talking into her scroll. "No Headmaster I'm not going to abandon my class to get you coffee. No. No it's not my fault that we've run out."

Glynda tapped her foot in irritation. "Ozpin I assure you the fate of Remnant doesn't depend on you getting high on caffeine."

Back at the stands Ren snatched Jaune's book away from him. Jaune gave him an annoyed look.

"Hey what'd you do that for? It was getting good."

Ren had a disappointed face.

"Jaune you really should pay attention. You can always read it later."

"Ren, it's Nora. We both know she's gonna win."

"Yes but you could learn evasion tactics from her opponent."

The both of them looked at the arena where said opponent jumped over Nora's hammer and used her head as a springboard, all the while begging a distracted Glynda to end the match.

They looked back at each other.

"See" said Ren crossing his arms.

Jaune groaned and dragged his palm across his face.

"Come on Ren give me some Lie-way."

"-_-"

"Okay fine I'll watch." Jaune turned to the match. After a while he said "Doesn't Nora seem too energetic today?"

Ren sighed. "She apparently found a store of coffee beans on the 2nd floor and helped herself to them."

Jaune frowned. "How can one cup do that"

"She used up all of them" Ren said. "And it was a large store."

Jaune whistled. "So I guess you'd call her a Lie-ttle too hyper huh?" Jaune snickered and nudged Ren. "Eh? Now don't tell me that wasn't funny."

Ren put his palm on Jaune's forehead. "Jaune are you alright? Did you catch a bug?"

Pyrrha watched this interplay with a concerned look. Jaune had been acting strange since lunch and she had no clue why. She balled her fist and vowed to find out. She wanted more data before she could act however so she went for the subtle approach.

"Jaune I was wondering..." she started.

Jaune looked at her. "Yeah?"

"I was wondering if you came up with better team attack names yet."

Jaune looked taken aback. "You don't like Arkos? I thought you'd love our names together."

Pyrrha's eyes widened and she turned red. "No! No I love our names together. What made you think I don't?" An embarrassed smile made its way to her face and a pleased one onto Jaune's.

"I'd love more than just our names together though." she said under her breath.

"What was that? I didn't get you." Jaune stepped closer to her.

"Nothing!" she said and gave him a nervous laugh.

Ren raised his hand. "Yeah about that. How am I supposed to bring a flower?"

Jaune rolled his eyes. "Come on Ren you're taking it too Lie-terally."

"-_-"

"Whoa, tough crowd."

Pyrrha's ears prickled. There was that chuckle again. Her head darted around the stands and settled on Yang. Team RWBY was standing to their left within hearing distance. Pyrrha narrowed her eyes at Yang. Yang returned her gaze with a smile. Ah, so she wasn't imagining it. Yang's smile did look evil for a second.

Yang turned her eyes to Jaune and back to Pyrrha. She waggled her eyebrows and gave a shark toothed grin.

Pyrrha's eyes flashed and turned to walk over to team RWBY. The bell rang right then signaling the end of the class.

Nora's opponent fell to her knees and opened her arms to the sky. "Thank you" she cried. "Thank you O great Cappuccino."

Far away from the arena two men exchanged looks and smirked. "Soon" whispered one of them.

The students made their way to the exit and in the rush Pyrrha lost sight of Yang. Pyrrha ran over to team RWBY's spot and combed through the crowd for the yellow brawler. She felt a hot breath on her ear and stilled.

"It's too late Pyr. He's already out of your reach."

She whipped her head around but the voice had already departed. Only a faint cackle resounded in Pyrrha's ear.

"What happened Pyrrha-aaah!"

Pyrrha grabbed Jaune's hand and dragged him with her. She kept her eyes peeled for anymore suspicious elements. They exited the arena stands and made their way to their next class.

"Hey Jaune where's your boyfriend taking you?" Cardin and his team guffawed near the corridor. Pyrrha's eyes zoomed in on them.

An instant later Miló rested a inch away from Cardin's manly parts. "You were saying ma'am?" said Pyrrha.

Cardin gulped. "N-nothing."

Pyrrha shook her head and dragged Jaune away.

"Hey Pyrrha I can take care of myself. You don't have to go all Pyr-anha for me" said Jaune in a dejected voice from behind her.

Pyrrha gripped him tighter. "What's happening to you Jaune?" she whispered. She looked back at him and gave him a smile. "Don't worry Jaune I'll always be there for you." She turned away too soon however and missed Jaune blush.

* * *

**Prof. Port's class**

Half the students were asleep as usual in Port's class as he narrated his youthful conquests and hunting expeditions.

"Hey Jaune." said Yang from the seat behind him. "Don't you think Pyrrha's a great fighter?"

Pyrrha grabbed his hand underneath the table. "Don't listen to her Jaune pay attention to the lesson." she said.

"Well she is a Pyr-rless fighter." Jaune said, leaning back.

"Jaune. _Pay. Attention."_ said Pyrrha.

"Hah! Good one Jauny boy." said Yang slapping his shoulder.

Pyrrha glared at Yang. "You. What are you doing to him? No, What have you done to him? You're responsible for this aren't you?"

Yang frowned at her. "Geez what are you so Pyr-turbed about?" Pyrrha growled. Hearing a chuckle she turned worried eyes to Jaune's amused smile.

"Don't mind her Yang she's just angry at Cardin from earlier. " said Jaune

The bell rang and Pyrrha shot up and dragged Jaune away from Yang. Jaune waved Yang goodbye. "Bye Yang we're going to the Pyr-actice grounds."

"Bye Jaune. Bye Pyrrha." said Yang. Her smile widened when she heard Pyrrha's moan. "Soon Jaune. Soon. Ha ha ha. Ah ha ha ha-"

"Yang?"

"Yes!" said Yang. Her head whipped to Ruby who gave her a concerned look.

"Are you okay? You're acting like Uncle Qrow again."

Yang ruffled Ruby's hair. "Don't worry Ruby I've never been better. Never been better."

Weiss turned to Blake. "She scares me sometimes."

* * *

**At the training grounds**

Pyrrha panted and dodged Jaune's swing. Jaune pursued her, not giving her any room to retaliate. Pyrrha and Jaune clashed their blades and pushed them against each other, vying for the upper hand.

"Hey Pyrrha what did Ren do when he wanted to settle down?" asked Jaune, grunting with effort.

"Focus on the battle Jaune."

"He Ren-ted a house."

Pyrrha's mind blanked out for a second. Taking advantage of this, Jaune struck Miló out her hands and forced her on the defensive.

"Hey wow that actually worked." He got careless in his elation and let Pyrrha kick his gut and bang his sword away with her shield. "Oh crap." he said and raised his shield to block her shield rush.

Pyrrha flung her shield at his feet making him jump. When the shield got right under him she raised it with her Polarity and tripped him.

"Oof." Jaune fell on his behind. Pyrrha brought her shield back and charged at Jauna.

"S-so Pyrrha if Nora had her way with Ren what would she do?"

She ignored him and brought her shield down in a downward swing.

"She'd sloth-er him silly." said Jaune. Pyrrha's mind blanked out again. The moment she came to Crocea Mors bashed her in the face and she fell to the ground.

"Pyrrha, You okay?" said Jaune crouching beside her. Pyrrha sat up and backed away from Jaune.

"Pyrrha what's wrong?" he said moving closer to her.

"Stop!"

Jaune halted and looked hurt. "Did I do something wrong?"

Pyrrha got up gave him a terrified look. "You've changed Jaune." She shook her head. "I didn't want to believe it but you've changed."

Jaune stepped closer. "What are you talking about? I'm the same Pyr-son. You're Pyr-ceptive. You must realize that right?"

The more Jaune spoke the more horrified Pyrrha became. "What did she do to you Jaune? Why are you speaking strange?"

"They're just jokes. Just listen. What makes an Arc tick?"

"W-what?" she asked fearing the answer.

"The Arctic."

Pyrrha held her head. "No... no no no. Yang what have you done to him!" Stress from her grief and fatigue from the battle stole Pyrrha's consciousness.

Jaune rushed to her and held her in his arms. "Hey Pyr what's wrong."

"Pyrrha?"

"Pyrrha."

"Pyrrhaaa!"

Jaune's body shook. His eyes blazed and he roared. "Yang! I don't know what you did but I'm coming for you. Pyr-iod."

* * *

**In an unknown location.**

Yang kneeled on the ground. "Soon master. Soon we shall have him."

A shadowed hologram spoke in a gravelly voice. "Good. _Good_. The boy is strong in the way of the Pun. With his addition we will be unstoppable in all of Remnant. Have his powers awakened."

Yang smirked. "He beat Pyrrha Nikos."

The hologram laughed. "Excellent! It will not be long before our plan to make booze free comes to fruition."

Yang gave the hologram an unimpressed look. "Uh yeah, about that. You really need to change our objective Uncle Qrow."

Qrow shrugged. "Ah fine we'll take over the world or something."

* * *

**In another unknown location**

Two men sipped coffee. They sat in an office-room on wooden chairs with detailed engravings. To their back was a statue of a golden mug.

"I believe our ploy to find the most delicious coffee worked Headmaster."

"Yes Bartholomew, Mr. Ren's coffee truly is wonderful." Ozpin got up and walked upto a window which overlooked Beacon.

"Now it is only a matter of time before we enlighten the masses." he smiled benevolently upon the students and professors below, the ignorant, the directionless.

The unguided _._

Ozpin sipped his coffee. "Yes, only a matter of time."

* * *

**In team RWBY's room**

Weiss and Blake stood outside their restroom listening to Yang speaking to her 'Master'.

Weiss turned to Blake. "She really scares me sometimes."

* * *

**Yang's pun of the day**

If Pyrrha ever went to Egypt what would she remember the most?

The Pyramids.


	6. The Chosen Pun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer:- I don't own RWBY

* * *

Jaune watched the ground move farther away as the elevator took him to the Pun Star, a fancy name for a penthouse if he said so himself. His thoughts wandered to the events that led up to the present moment.

He had cried.

' _Don't worry Jaune I'll always be there for you.' Pyrrha smiled at him._

' _Jaune are you alright? Did you catch a bug?' Ren didn't get him._

' _I'll love you forever if you make puncakes. They sound delicious.' Nora was... Nora._

' _You've changed Jaune.' Pyrrha's terrified face turned away from his._

' _-_-'. Ren looked at him weird._

He had trained.

' _You want to beat Yang?' said Taiyang's voice from the public loo._

' _O teacher of light, vanquisher of darkness make me your disciple. You are the one who taught the dark appuntrice all she knows. So please teach me Taikwondo ancient one.' Jaune begged him._

_People gave him strange looks for keeling down before a loo with his head held down._

' _Kid first off- the heck? Second, it's taekwondo. And finally, just bring some toilet paper and I'll teach you anything.'_

_Jaune furrowed his brow. 'Just like that'_

_Taiyang gave him a depraved chuckle. 'Oh I've been here for a while kid... I've seen things.'_

_Jaune marveled at the man who seemed so eager to pass on his life's experiences to the next generation._ _Maybe he loved teaching, maybe he didn't want young people making the same mistakes he did, or maybe he just pitied him but whatever the reason was Jaune was gonna get the good man all the toilet paper he could get._

_Tai just wanted to get the hell out of the loo._

He'd received counsel

' _Again' said Taiyang, his voice held no room for dissent. He stood with his arms crossed, overlooking Jaune's training._

' _I'm Tai-ing. Can't you see I'm Tai-ing.' Jaune punched the ground in frustration._

_He felt a paw on his shoulder. Zwei barked at him with a stern look._

' _Do or do not. There is no Tai.' Jaune whispered as he looked at the Corgi who'd been with him during his training. Jaune smiled at him. 'Thanks for the advice Zwei. You know, me training this hard wouldn't have been paw-sible without your help.'_

_Zwei licked Jaune's face and panted happily. Jaune laughed, he wondered however why his master was cursing at a crow while shaking a fist at the sky._

He'd made deals with the underworld

' _And adding that underwear would make it 1700 lien sir.' said the cashier._

' _Here you go' Jaune paid the cashier and exited the shop. He looked through all the clothing he'd purchased. Robes check, hoods check, long wavy capes check, extra pair of underwear check._

_You couldn't save the world without the right clothing now could you._

He had disappointed his brother.

' _You were the chosen one!' Ren said in a distraught voice looking down at him as he burned in the lava river._

Okay maybe that last one was him watching too many movies yesterday night.

The elevator pinged and its doors slid open. Jaune held Crocea Mors and marched forward.

He heard the voices of two people talking as he ventured deeper. He could make out what they were saying as he got closer.

"He has come." said the voice of a man.

A feminine voice snorted. "Uncle Qrow saying that every 5 minutes doesn't mean he'll miraculously-"

Jaune entered the room to see Yang and the man his master had warned him of. The bloody Qrow. They were seated with a chess board between them and packets of potato chips strewn about. They both looked at him with wide eyes as if he wasn't supposed to be there yet.

Yang turned back to Qrow. "Okay but you were still guessing." She then crouched and cocked back her Ember Celica equipped fist. "One fashionable battlefield for a showdown coming right up~." Ember Celica shattered the floor.

The three of them fell through the ground.

* * *

**Battle**

"Ow. Yang why'd you do that." said Jaune, getting up and dusting his pants. He scanned his surroundings. They reminded him of the interior of a ship.

"We've been waiting for you Jaune."

Jaune whipped his head to the side and jumped away from Yang who'd appeared to his right.

"Join us young one. It is inevitable." said Qrow taking a swing of his bottle.

Jaune scrambled away from Qrow who'd appeared to his left. He stood in between them. He took his stance with shield up and sword poised.

"Never. I'll never join the likes of you. Not after what you did to my Pyr-cious partner." Jaune glared at them.

Yang walked up to him. She pushed his shield away and put her hands around his shoulder. "Oh forget about her Jaune." She pulled him closer. Jaune felt her breath on his lips and gulped. His heart hammered. "I can offer you so much more." Yang whispered, her face an inch away from his. "Together the both of us can be so very jaunty _."_

Jaune slashed his sword in front of him forcing Yang to dodge. "Sorry Yang you aren't my type." he said with a red face.

Yang balled her fists and growled.

Qrow grinned. "You aren't swayed so easily it seems. As expected of the Pun Paladin." Qrow grabbed his sword from behind him. "Don't worry knight I'll take you seriously." Qrow held his arm out. The gears on his sword turned. The sword extended, curved and morphed into a giant scythe. "It's gonna be an ex-scyth-ing battle after all."

Jaune blinked and Qrow was upon him.

CLANG!

Jaune blocked Qrow's swipe and swung at Qrow's arms. Jaune's eyes widened when Qrow caught the sword with his hand.

Qrow smirked. "You really ought to watch your back." Jaune looked behind him just to get punched in the face by Yang.

He skidded across the ground, tearing apart the flooring. He slammed against the wall. Seeing a blast aimed at him he rolled away. He raised his shield in time to block Qrow's scythe.

Jaune kicked Qrow's feet, tripping him and getting away.

"Hey Jaune. How do you like the arc of my fist?"

Bang!

Jaune flew through the air as Yang bashed his head against her knuckles, timing it with a well placed shotgun blast.

"Gah!" Jaune broke through the wall and fell on the floor. He got up and coughed blood. Hearing a screeching noise he jumped to the side just in time to avoid Qrow cleaving through the wall beside him.

"Come on Arc. What's with that archaic fighting style?" Jaune staggered and Qrow slashed at his shield hitting it away from Jaune's grip.

Yang came in through the hole in the wall and stepped beside Qrow. "We can do this all day Jauny. Just give in."

Jaune panted. "Master Tai told me not to rely on it too much but I have no choice. Hey Qrow what do you call your drinking buddies?"

Qrow's smile turned up a notch. "What?"

"Your Qrow-nies."

Blank.

Qrow was on the ground the next second.

"Uncle!"

"Hey Yang what do you do when you get sad?"

Qrow sat up. "What does she do?"

"She gets Yangsty."

Blank.

Boom.

Qrow's head shot back as a dust capsule exploded in his face.

"Ha ha ha more." Qrow laughed from the ground.

"Guh." Yang struggled to control her laughter. "You were right Uncle. He's much better than us."

"What did Qrow do when his voice broke?" said Jaune with a chuckle.

"What?" Qrow asked.

"He Qrow-ked."

Blank.

"Guh!" Jaune'd jumped atop Qrow and started punching him.

"Ha ha Kid you're blowing through my expectations." Qrow said between the punches.

Jaune's face had twisted into a wicked smile. "He he he. Ah ha ha ha. Hey Qrow what did do you do when you were in trouble?"

"Tell me Jaune! Tell me!" Qrow beamed up at him.

" You Caw-lled for help."

"Ah ha ha ha! AH HA HA HA HA" Their laughs became one and reverberated throughout the broken room.

Yang looked at this with a worried face. "Guys can we stop? You're scaring me."

Jaune ignored her. "Ha ha hey Qrow what did Ozpin do when he sat in a meeting without his mug?"

"Don't tell me, he Oz pining for some coffee right?" said Qrow.

The two of them erupted into another bout of crazed laughter.

Yang tackled Jaune off Qrow and slapped him. "Hey snap out of it!"

Giggles escaped Jaune. "Pft. Hey come on don't be Yangry."

Qrow howled from his spot on the floor. "Yeah Yang you're en-qrow-ching on our relationship."

Yang looked at her friend laughing madly underneath her. She had done this. She had done this to a perfectly good boy. She'd found out that he thought her puns were funny and instead of appreciating that fact she goes and does this. Heck she only wanted a pun friend. Well this was her fault and she was going to fix it.

"Hey Jaune." she said bending low.

"He he ho ho ho. Yeah?"

"Close your eyes." she said and slammed her lips onto his.

Jaune's eyes became the size of saucers. Yang's body pressed against his as she kissed him. Jokes and puns forgotten he returned the kiss with fervor.

Qrow's laughter subsided and he stood up. "Hey pun buddy where are yo-... oh I see how it is." Qrow scowled looking at the teenagers making out on the floor. They didn't show signs of stopping anytime soon.

Qrow kicked the ground and stalked away, grumbling under his breath. He encountered teams RWBY and JNPR when he got out of the building.

"Uncle Qrow!" Ruby ran up to him. "Did you see Yang or Jaune? They're both missing and somewhere around here."

Now Qrow had two options. One, tell them and probably make stuff embarrassing or-

"Yeah I saw them hanging around that game shop across the street." he said pointing in an arbitrary direction.

\- or he could let his niece get together with someone he approved of. He still felt the reflex to laugh when he thought of those puns. Her being stronger than him was another plus in his book. She could always deck him if he turned out to be a dick.

"Thanks Uncle Qrow." Ruby smiled. The teams waved at the man and left in the direction he pointed.

Qrow sighed and took his bottle out. "Well Drew looks like it's just you and me now."

* * *

**Back at the Pun star**

Lifting herself off Jaune, Yang panted to get her breath back. "Well where do we go from here?" she asked the boy underneath her.

Jaune had a dazed look. "Huh? Uhh, I guess we get to know each other better and uhh, Yang out together."

Yang grinned. "Boy you've got no idea what your puns do to me."

Jaune gave her an unsure smile. "Thanks?"

Yang leaned back down on him. "So, wanna kiss again?"

"I thought you'd never ask."

They resumed making out and continued cracking puns well into the night.

And thus The Pun Paladin and the dark Appuntrice got together. Teams RWBY and JNPR kept searching for their members. And the Pun Lord spent the night alone with Drew.

As long as humanity exists there will be good puns and there will be bad puns. But at the end of the day balance is restored and harmony reigns once again.

The End.

* * *

**Yang's Pun of the Day**

What did Velvet do when Coco made her wear a low cut gown?  
She went Scarlat-in-a second.

 


	7. The Barista

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer:- I don't own RWBY

* * *

"Ah damn." Qrow clutched his head and moaned. "Someone kill me now." He twisted and turned, curling into himself. "Why do you do this to me Drew? You stay for the fun and ditch me during the fallout."

"Hey man are you okay?"

Qrow opened his eyes and found himself on the side walk leaning against a street light. He saw a hand offered to him and took it. "Thanks." he said pulling himself up. He put his hand on his forehead and massaged it with a groan.

"Have this it'll make you feel better." said the man who'd helped him. Qrow took the cup the man gave him and drank its contents. Qrow's eyes eased as the pain disappeared. He looked down at the brown liquid in his hands with a frown and handed it back to the man.

"Amazing isn't it. The powers of the holy brew never cease to amaze me." said the man putting his hand on Qrow's shoulder with a smile. "Rejoice brother for the enchanted caffeine now flows through you." The man bid Qrow farewell.

Qrow looked at the man as he walked away. "Okay, that happened." Shielding his eyes with his hand, Qrow gazed at the sun. "Great, morning. Oz'll be expecting me." With a sigh Qrow started for Beacon.

What he saw along the way made him question how long he'd passed out.

Everyone had a cup of coffee in their hands. Some had two. They uttered nonsense like 'the java wizard's new concoction', 'the congregation of Brewers' and some dude called the Barista.

He'd stopped by a public rally to listen in.

"Dear brothers and sisters of Vale thank the cup for we are blessed to be born in the land of our savior, The Barista. Thank the cup for his wisdom, his love and his charity. For he enlightened us to the true bliss that is coffee."

The speaker paused to sip from his cup. Qrow looked around him to see the audience that'd formed. Everyone had a relaxed smile on their faces and a cup in their hands.

The speaker's face turned sad and he spoke.

"However our friends, our fellow Remnants from the other kingdoms are not as lucky. They look upon us with scorn and disgust as we worship our holy brews. That is why my kin, we are in dire need of advocates to spread the the sacred recipes. We must endeavor to eradicate the evil tea, the vile soda and the malicious liquor. Now who's with me. Roasted!"

"Beans!" the audience cheered.

"Roasted!"

"Beans!" the audience bellowed.

"ROASTED!"

"BEANS!" the audience roared.

"May they be ground well." said the speaker with a tender smile and his arms opened to the people.

Qrow stepped back with a wide-eyed look. This was nuts. What in Remnant had happened while he was unconscious? Coffee? Holy? What was going on? And did that guy just call liquor evil? He'll have to pay him a visit later.

Qrow took off running in a mad dash. He removed his scroll from his pocket and dialed a number. The call got through.

"Yes?" came from the other end.

"Ozpin what the hell did you do?!"

"I'm afraid I don't understand."

"Don't play innocent Oz. You're the only coffee fanatic shrewd enough to do whatever this is." Qrow jumped and kicked off a wall. He landed on the rooftops and continued running.

"Well it seems you've got it all figured out."

"I'm going to stop this Oz."

"... It's about Drew isn't it."

"I won't let you tear us apart."

"Very well Qrow. May the best man win." Ozpin cut the call.

"Tch" Qrow scowled and put his scroll back in. He drew out Drew. "Don't worry man. We'll show him." He took a swing.

* * *

**At Beacon**

Qrow jumped over the boomerang, ducked under the greatsword, swatted away grenades and was still in the courtyard for the past half an hour.

"Don't let him through! He's here to kidnap the java wizard." yelled one of the students.

Qrow'd been evading the students and teachers, and knocking them unconscious but the swarm didn't thin in the least. Ten bullheads descended around him and began firing bullets. Qrow spun his scythe in a whirlwind around his entire body while crouched low.

He saw a figure coming at him from the crowd and cursed. "Ah shit not her."

Glyphs materialized around him and Qrow braced himself. The bullheads launched missiles at him.

Qrow felt himself grabbed and thrown high into the air.

Slice slice slice slice.

BOOM!

Pieces of the missiles exploded where he'd been crouching. He looked down to see glyphs appear around the bullheads. A white figure zipped through the air piercing through the bullheads one by one, landing on one glyph and kicking off towards another.

The white figure caught Qrow in mid air and landed on the ground. The bullheads crashed to the ground around them.

"My hero." said Qrow in a swooning voice. "Do you want a hug? Or perhaps a kiss?"

"A thank you will suffice." She dropped him. "It is fortunate that you have not been indoctrinated."

Qrow got up, dusting his knee. "So, you know how to fix this Ice Queen?"

Winter nodded and got into stance. "The culprit appears to be aura infused caffeine which causes extreme suggestibility. Take someone like Ozpin as the shepherd and you have a well established religious order by the end of the day. The effects of-"

Qrow brushed away the katana that swiped at him and knocked the student to the floor. "That's all well and good but how do we stop this."

Winter gave him an irritated glance. "As I was saying. The effects of aura in beverages is unknown so we need a sample of freshly infused roasted beans for analysis. Our scientists have been trying to replicate the effects but have been unsuccessful so far."

Winter ducked and thrust at a student's armor sending her crashing through the swarm.

"Okay I'll get it for you Ice Queen."

Winter sent him an inquisitive look. "You're doing this for Drew aren't you?"

"Damn it does everyone know? Listen I won't have you of all people judge us." Qrow took out his bottle. "Don't mind her buddy she's just jealous."

Winter shook her head with a hint of a smile at her lips. "You go on ahead Qrow. I'll hold them back."

Qrow snorted. "Well what do you know a Schnee in time saves nine."

Winter narrowed her eyes. "Just come back safe."

Qrow made a face at her. "That sounded like something out of a Schneezy romance."

Winter summoned a glyph under Qrow. "I should have done this earlier." She roundhouse kicked Qrow. The glyph glowed and hurled the Hunter at breakneck speeds towards the swarm. He tore through it, cutting it apart like a scissor all the while screaming bloody murder.

* * *

**Ozpin's Quarters**

"And remember a cup of coffee at the end of the day brightens your evening the rest of the way." said Ozpin into a microphone.

"Are you done yet?" said Qrow with his scythe ready, standing across Ozpin.

"Yes, thank you for waiting." said Ozpin setting down the microphone. "Please have a seat Qrow." he gestured towards the chair before his desk.

"What? We're not going to fight?"

"Where is the finesse in that? Duking it out over personal opinions." Ozpin walked over to his desk with cane in hand. "In any case, a fight between us would wreck my office." Ozpin sat down and set his cane on his desk.

Qrow settled down opposite to Ozpin and rested his hands on the desk. "What do you suggest?"

Ozpin smirked and pushed his glasses back. "Your powers against mine. Your puns against my coffee."

Qrow raised an eyebrow. "Oh so you know about that gig."

"Your niece isn't exactly the quiet type." Ozpin pushed a button and the desk shook. A compartment slid open on top of the desk and two cups of coffee rose.

"Here's how we do it. You first take a sip. Then you make a pun. We repeat this till one of us breaks." said Ozpin taking his cup.

Qrow took his into his hands. He looked at Ozpin who nodded at him. With a sigh Qrow downed his first sip along with Ozpin.

The aches in his body dulled. "You know, this is a good day for a showdown."

"Why's that?"

"'Cause it's an Ozpi-cious day."

Ozpin coughed.

Qrow took another sip.

He smiled. Ah crap it was getting to him.

"How would it be if I crushed this cup under my shoe?"

"How?"

"Brew-tal."

Ozpin's hand went to his forehead but changed direction midway and adjusted his glasses.

Another sip. Qrow let out a pleased sigh.

"What would you call Zwei if he was a master painter?"

Ozpin raised a brow. "The Corgi?" Qrow nodded. "What?" said Ozpin.

"Pawblo Picasso."

"Augh." Ozpin groaned and took a huge gulp from his cup. He pushed the button again bringing up two fresh hot cups. Qrow finished his and picked up the new one.

"Your move." said Ozpin, wiping his forehead with a handkerchief.

"What do I think of Salem's plan?"

"What?"

"It's Sa-lame."

Ozpin's cup fell to the ground and shattered. His hands shook. "Y-Your puns are worse than I expected."

Another sip. Qrow never felt better in his whole life. He laughed.

"Hey Oz what if Jimmy was a pyromaniac?"

"W-Wait I haven't had my sip yet." Ozpin started hitting the button with frantic eyes.

"He'd be F-ir'nwood"

The desk smoked and made clicking noises. Ozpin's eyes widened. "It's not supposed to make those sounds." he said as he dabbed the blood that leaked from his nose.

Boom!

The desk exploded sending the both of them crashing to the floor.

"I can't believe this. How could I be defeated?" said Ozpin, getting up on shaky legs using his cane.

Qrow laughed from his spot on the ground. "Face it Oz. Coffee ain't a match for my puns."

The doors to the office slammed open. Both men looked at the intruder. Ozpin gulped.

"Glynda, how have you been? I hope your vacation was rejuvenating." Ozpin laughed, making subtle gestures at Qrow to help him out.

Glynda glared at the headmaster, smacking her riding crop against her palm. "I leave for two days and you enslave all of Vale?" Her body shook as she grit her teeth.

"Enslave is a harsh word-"

Smack.

Ozpin flinched as Glynda smacked her riding crop again.

Qrow chuckled. "Hey Oz you brewed this one on yourself."

Glynda waved her hand at Qrow, wrapping him in the floor carpet. She then flung him out the window.

"Now where were we?" she turned back to Ozpin who sorely wished he had his trusty mug in hand. "Looks like I have to sit this one without you Joe." he said under his breath.

* * *

**Back at the the courtyard**

Qrow looked up at Winter from his position in her arms. She'd caught him again as he hurtled towards the ground.

"Is this going to become a thing?" said Qrow.

"I hope not." she said before dropping him.

Qrow got on his feet, and looked around him. The students and faculty were seated on the floor talking to each other. Some of them were getting up and leaving while others lazed on the floor, nursing their injuries.

Qrow turned a questioning glance at Winter.

"It was a good idea. Breaking the spell through your asinine jest." Winter nodded at Qrow. "The announcement system appears to be connected to Vale's public speakers as well. So Vale is back to normal."

Qrow scratched his head. "What speakers? I didn't - oh. Oh wait Oz was speaking into a microphone when I'd entered."

Winter cocked an amused smile at him. "Figures, even your heroism is steeped in incompetence." Winter walked away, chuckling.

"Hey, you don't get to diss the Pun Lord." Qrow followed her. "So what're you doing here anyway?"

"Something regarding Weiss's teammate scaring her. She apparently calls herself the dark appuntrice. You don't have anything to do with that now do you?" She turned and gave Qrow an intent stare.

"Me? What makes you say that?" Qrow raised an eyebrow.

"Everything." she said, gesturing at their surroundings.

"... I see your point."

* * *

**Yang's Pun of the Day**

What did Jaune do when Nora asked him how wearing a dress felt?  
He skirted the question.


	8. Epilogue: Punnily Ever After

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer:- I don't own RWBY

* * *

**At Beacon grounds**

Chk chk chk chk chk.

"Hey Oz, having fun." Qrow snickered from behind Ozpin.

Ozpin scowled but didn't turn back. He had a lawn mower in hand.

Chk chk chk chk chk.

"Come to gloat now have we Qrow. Really mature" said Ozpin pushing the mower.

"I'll take that as a compliment. I'll Qrow up in my own time buddy." Qrow lifted the mug in his hand and chugged down some of the good stuff.

Ozpin sighed. "Qrow why are you here? I have the entirety of Beacon to cover and don't have the time to entertain you."

"Aww is someone sad because they are grounded." Qrow let out a drunk giggle.

"I assure you that this is community service. You could say that this is my penance for the inconvenience I caused. Besides as long as I have the mower I can go wherever I want in Beacon. I would hardly call that being grounded."

Ozpin reached the edge of the ground and made a right U-turn. He looked up at the sun wondering when he'd be finished. He began mowing the adjacent path of grass.

"Come on Oz ain't no shame in being grounded by Glynda. Heck even Jimmy runs for the hills when she's angry. But you gotta admit... you got served. Pft." Qrow broke out in chuckles.

Ozpin groaned. "Oh mighty Oum please send me a distraction."

"Headmaster what are you doing?" came Ruby's curious voice from beside him.

Ozpin thanked the almighty creator.

He turned and smiled at Ruby. "Ah Ms. Rose a pleasure to see you. You see being a school for Huntsmen and Huntresses, Beacon has to be in pristine condition at all times. We can't let our students become sick due to infections or mosquito bites now can we. That would just be embarrassing and not to mention dangerous."

Ozpin waved his hand at the grass. "Being the headmaster I take the health of my students very seriously. So Ms. Rose you can say that in my own way I am looking after you."

Ruby had stars in her eyes. "Oh my gosh! Headmaster that's so cool. I knew the second you offered me cookies that day that you'd be the mysterious but caring uncle type."

Ozpin let out a deep hearty laugh. "I'm flattered Ms. Rose."

Ozpin saw more students approaching him and Ruby. Weiss, Blake and Pyrrha walked up to them and greeted the Headmaster.

"Hey guys you won't believe how much of a softie our headmaster is."

Ruby told them.

"Thank you headmaster." Weiss sounded reverent.

"I never realized you thought so much of us." Blake choked up a little.

"You never cease to amaze us headmaster Ozpin." Pyrrha smiled and gave him a light bow.

"Ah ha ha." Ozpin smiled uncomfortably. "Really girls it's nothing."

"It's nothing he says." Blake choked up again and looked away. Weiss put her hand on Blake's shoulder and looked at Ozpin with a respectful gaze.

"Anyway what are you girls doing this Sunday. I'm sure you have better things to do than talk to your headmaster."

Ruby looked appalled. "No! We'd love spending time with you. Right gang."

Cue vigorous nods.

"We were actually going to town. We kinda found out that my sister's been dating someone and ah, we're, you know, curious." Ruby rubbed the back of her head. "I probably shouldn't have told you that."

Ozpin hmm'ed. "So we have R, B, P and W. So PRBW? WRPB? No no." Ozpin smiled. "I've got it. You shall now be know as team BWRP."

Ruby jumped and whooped. "Yeah! See Weiss even the headmaster came up with the same name. Team Burp it is yeah!"

Weiss looked at the headmaster and back at Ruby. "Well if headmaster Ozpin says so... team burp it is."

Ozpin looked at Blake and gave her a firm nod. "Lead them well Ms. Belladonna."

Blake stood up straight and nodded back with misty eyes. "Y-Yes sir! I won't disappoint you sir. Team burp roll out!"

With that team BWRP left for the bullheads.

Ozpin shook his head with a smile looking at the young women. "They'll be fine huntresses someday."

Blake faltered in her step. She yelled in the distance in a shaky voice. "For Ozpin!"

"Yeah!" yelled the other three.

Qrow chugged down his mug. "That was one major asspull Oz."

Ozpin frowned. "You're still here?."

Qrow raised his mug. "Team BWRP. Good one. I approve." Qrow burped his approval.

Ozpin sighed. This was going to be a long day.

* * *

**At Vale**

"Now that's what I call a good time!" said Yang, coming out of an establishment.

Jaune followed her, looking down on the ground with his arms around a big teddy bear.

Yang turned around and started walking backwards. "Hey what's with you." She put her finger under Jaune's chin and lifted it. She peered closer. "Don't tell me you're still angry about that. I even won a prize for you." Yang pinched the toy's nose.

"I wuv you wewy wewy muuuuch~" the toy squeaked out.

Jaune's eyes widened and he hugged the toy close to muffle it. People gave them amused glances as they passed them. Yang snickered.

"I wuv you wewy wewy muuuuch~" the toy squeaked out again.

"Yang stop that!"

"Aww but I-" Pinch.

"I wuv you wewy wewy muuuuch~"

"Yang!"

"Okay fine. But stop sulking." she said. "Seriously it was just a game."

Jaune adjusted the toy in his grip. "Yeah. Just a game. You used me as bait half the time. And being bait in laser tag is not fun."

"We won right. And you made the perfect lure. You're loud and easy to spot." Yang traced Jaune's cheek. "And so very alluring."

That cracked a smile out of Jaune. "Well when you put it like that I-" Yang pinched the teddy.

"I wuv you wewy wewy muuuuch~" the toy squeaked out.

"Yang! Would you stop that!" Yang chuckled and tousled his hair.

Boom!

An explosion rocked the street. The store in front of the couple went up in flames.

A man wearing a bowler hat and a white suit walked out of the smoke coughing and waving his cane in the air. "Cough cough I'm going push Perry off a cliff after I'm done here." He noticed Jaune and Yang and groaned. "What is it with you kids? Are you stalking me? First Red and now Yellow."

Jaune and Yang looked at each other and broke out into grins. They equipped their weapons and stood ready.

"Neo." the man called. A diminutive woman with pink and brown hair walked out of the store with an umbrella over her shoulder.

"Deal with them Neo." the man pulled out a lighter and lit his cigar. The woman grinned and her eyes shifted color.

Jaune started off. "Soo, you been Roman around town lately?"

Roman raised an eyebrow. "What?"

"You really fire up the place you know." said Yang. "Really know how to Torch 'em."

"... Neo kill her first."

Jaune tutted. "Now now that is Neo way to make friends."

Neo tilted her head. Roman blew smoke out. "On second thought Neo I'll help you out."

Yang gushed. "Oh my gosh that is so Romantic."

Neo's eyes widened and Roman bit off his cigar in shock. Neo turned sideways and gagged while Roman spit out and wiped his mouth with his glove.

"Wow that's true glove right there." Jaune wiped off a tear.

"Would. You. Shut. Up." Roman glared and took aim with the Melodic Cudgel.

Yang struck her tongue out at him. "You Cane-not make us."

"Argh!"

Boom!

Hidden behind the bushes team BWRP watched the scene unfold in awe. Roman kept missing all his shots while Neo looked hesitant to help him out. Weiss tapped Ruby's shoulder.

"We ought to make this an official attack." she said.

"What do we call it?" said Ruby glancing at Weiss.

"How about-" Weiss tapped her chin.

Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom!

"Hey Roman guess you ain't suited for the job." came Jaune's voice followed by a frustrated scream.

"-The Punchline."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there Punters and Puntresses. That brings an end to Yang's Pun Central.
> 
> Thank you for reading my story up to this point and putting up with my awesome (read terrible) puns.
> 
> I'd love to know what you thought of the story so please leave a review if you can.
> 
> And last but not the least
> 
> Live long and pawsper ... yeah I ripped it off the net. Ah ha ha ha.
> 
> Oh oh how about-
> 
> Live long and pawrty hard. Eh? Eh? Is that a grin I see ...
> 
> No?
> 
> K I'll be leaving now.
> 
> See you soon. :)


	9. The Ravenant Mom

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer:- I don't own RWBY

* * *

**In Higanbana**

The rain poured heavily, splattering against the pavement, drenching our heroes as they ran into the inn.

Qrow watched them chatter among themselves from the tavern opposite to the inn. His niece had no idea how lucky she was that she had a world class hunter like himself following her, especially after what happened at Beacon.

He turned his attention to her companions, the pink juggernaut, the ninja boy and of course his pun buddy. They made for paltry protection detail if you asked him. Now don't get him wrong, he's sure that they had their own super important life-risking, clue-finding, answers-seeking, yadda yadda yadda quest themselves but as long as Ruby's in the middle they were glorified decoys. Whom he would still protect mind you, lest Glynda chew him out later.

The juggernaut... Nora was it, he didn't get why she didn't just confess to the ninja kid. Even he could see that she liked him and the boy uh... now that he thought about it the kid didn't really emote much. That couldn't be healthy. Maybe he could introduce him to his 'friend' to help him loosen up.

He shot a grin to his 'friend' by his waist. Too bad he was empty right now.

The kids gave Jaune the stink eye. Oh, he must've cracked another pun. Probably something about it pouring a lot outside. Qrow sighed. While he didn't object to being light hearted in the midst of a journey these kids were too carefree for his liking. _He_ killed most of the grimm, _he_ covered their tracks, _he_ was the creepy overprotective stalker they suspected a village back. And _they_ got to joke around. Where was _his_ reward in all this?

"Hey there."

Qrow looked to his side and saw a beautiful waitress who had stopped in front of his table and smiled at him.

" _Hello_ reward." Qrow grinned.

The waitress blinked. "What?"

"After seeing nothing but grimm in the forests for days, seeing you is a treat for the eyes is what I meant."

"Oh." She blushed. "Why thank you." She looked away and coughed, trying to regain her composure.

Qrow smirked. Heh, he still had it.

The waitress turned to him again.

"A-anyway. I was asked to give you this by a woman upstairs," she said handing him a note. "Call me if you want to order anything." Giving him a final smile she left to tend to the other customers.

Qrow observed the note in his hand with a frown. Poor girl, he must've embarrassed her. She mustered the courage to give him her number, only for him to pull his dashing smile on her. Well let's just feed it into his scroll for now.

... What?

The note read:

'Hello Qrow,

It has been a long time. You seem to be doing well. If you discount the fact that you seem to be shadowing some teenagers that is. I do hope it is not another one of your leader's 'missions' as he calls them. Anyways we have much to talk about so grab that drink and come upstairs. It's on the house.

Your not-enemy,

I'm sure you'll figure it out'

Qrow narrowed his eyes. Someone knew who he was over here. That never ended well. Hopefully she only wanted a chat. He stood up and spotted the waitress coming out from the kitchen.

"Uh hey." He waved and walked up to her.

"Yes? What can I get you?" she stopped to listen to him.

"I heard there was a drink on the house."

"Yes. It is on the house."

...Okay.

"So can I have it?"

"Sure."

They both stood staring at each other. The waitress smiled hard.

"I can have it right?"

"Certainly. It is on the house."

...

"Seriously?"

"I was given a large tip."

"You don't happen to have any-"

"It's in the closet. Let me get it for you."

One rooftop adventure later.

Having returned the raincoat he'd borrowed, Qrow climbed the stairs with a drink in hand. Which he found covered in a plastic wrap on the house- literally on the house. He only knew one person with such a terrible sense of humor.

"Well well well out in a lonely village and who do I find. The Rae-in the reign of the rain."

Well what can he say, it ran in the family.

Raven smirked and gestured Qrow to have a seat. "I see your skill hasn't dulled brother."

Qrow sat down with his arm propped on the chair. "So what do you want? I doubt it's a social call."

Raven folded her hands and leaned back. "What? A girl can't talk to her brother? I thought you could use some company instead of Qrowling around forests hunting grimm, nice technique though."

Qrow shrugged and gave her a cocky smile. "What can I say? My skills are grimm-aculate."

The siblings held each other's gaze. Before they broke out in chuckles.

Qrow observed his sister. She had her hand on her mouth preventing more laughs from breaking out. How long had it been since he'd seen her like this, before she stomped it all down and assumed her more dour persona.

"So Rae thinking of coming back anytime soon? Yang lost her arm you know. Could use her mother right now."

Raven narrowed her eyes at him. "Summer was her mother not me. We've already talked about this. Don't start this again. She has her family to take care of her. She'll be fine."

Qrow slammed his drink on the table. "Really Rae? You think I don't know the real reason you left."

Raven turned away and started burning away a hole in the wall.

Qrow sighed. He ran a hand through his hair and called the waitress.

"Could you get us two more?" he glanced at his sister and saw no objection.

The waitress nodded and went away.

"I heard what happened in Shion." Qrow started. "Hordes of grimm attack a village and a band of mercenaries show up riding on horses."

Raven tilted her head in interest.

"Only thing is, they terrorized the villagers more than the grimm themselves. Zero casualties too. How _did_ you manage that?"

Raven began with a smirk. "Well you see-"

**Few weeks ago in Shion**

A tribesman ran through the hordes of grimm wreaking havoc in the village. His brothers and sisters fought them the best they could, all so he could get to his leader. The village of Shion had cried for deliverance and his leader would deliver.

Spotting her slaying grimm and protecting the equipment behind her, he shouted for her "Over here! I've got i- aaah!" He slammed against the pavement, a beowolf had jumped atop of him from a building. He screamed as its claws tore the flesh off his chest.

The creature raised its arm for the finishing blow and stilled before it fell over completely. A red portal had appeared where its midsection had been. Slowly getting up and wincing when his clothes pulled at his skin, the tribesman took out a microphone from his bag and dropped it into the portal inside the beowolf. He leaned against the building behind him and waited for the magic to begin.

Raven connected the microphone to the speakers and whirled around with her red eyes gleaming and teeth bared. "Ladies and gentlemen of Shion! I am Raven Branwen of the Black Feather Troupe. And it gives me _grimm-ense_ pleasure to be your host for the night." Raven cackled out loud.

The screams and howls that followed frightened the grimm en-route to Shion. The grimm which changed course became future goliaths. The ones that didn't... well you'd have to ask the people of Shion. Good luck getting them to relive the most traumatic stand-up performance of their life however.

**Back in the tavern**

"- and the people were in tears by the time I was done. I was that good." Raven nodded to herself with a self-satisfied smile. "We had to run away in their airship though when the fanfare became rabid."

"Wow you must've been a riot." Qrow grinned. "Too bad I wasn't there. We could've done a skit together."

Raven shrugged. "Meh, I prefer going solo. So, the reason I called you... does she have it?" Raven looked at Qrow with an expectant gaze.

Qrow nodded. "Yeah she does. I passed it along to her during the festival. She was pretty excited about getting to publish your second book. Your first one corrupted a lot of people after all."

"Why thank you Qrow. Now if there is nothing else I'll be leaving." Raven got up and smiled. "See you later, brother."

Qrow watched her slash open a portal move towards it. It didn't sit right with him. She was walking away and in no way was it towards home.

"Rae."

"Hm?" Raven stopped and turned her head.

"Yang loved your first book. She always wanted to meet its author."

"... she did?"

"Yeah she liked it so much she became my dark appuntrice." Qrow chuckled. "Well, that and the source of Tai's many headaches."

Raven looked back at her portal with a frown. "I see."

Something in her tone gave Qrow hope. He stood up eagerly. "Yeah! She even got a boy to like her and he's even better than her at it. Come on Rae it'll be great. She's probably all alone right now without any of her friends with her. She would normally throw a party for all of them at this time of the year but they're all scattered. But you can go to her anytime. You can meet Yang properly and she'll meet her favorite author and have her mother back-"

Crack!

Raven's sword found itself embedded in the wall.

"I told you." She whispered. "Summer was her mother."

She withdrew her sword and stepped in front of the portal. She threw a sad smile at Qrow.

"Happy New Year brother."

The portal closed shut leaving Qrow alone, still standing. Still hoping that she'd consider going home.

He sat down with a heavy sigh and brought his drink to his lips.

"Stupid Rae. You can be hers too." He gulped down the remaining liquid.

Moments later strange red and black energy fields began popping all over in the kingdoms.

**In the White Fang's annual New Year rally**

"-And now a few words from our brother Adam Taurus, the leader of our Valean fraternity."

Adam stepped onto the stage.

"My dear faunus brothers and sisters, I am not much of a speaker so I will only say a few words. We as the White Fang strive for peace through violence, only because we were forced into it. But once we achieve our goal we'll ensure equality for all and be violently peaceful. That is all."

Down in the crowd, Perry scratched his head. "Uh... isn't that contradictory?"

He heard a chuckle from beside him and turned his head. He screamed in shock seeing a woman wearing a frightening full-face grimm mask.

"What happened, who screamed?" said Adam from the stage, trying to spot the source.

"Oh it's nothing." said Raven stepping forward, away from a shaking Perry. "Your speech was pretty confusing, that's all."

Adam huffed and adjusted his mask. "It was poetic."

"It was oxy-moronic."

Adam blinked and took a slow step back. He felt a familiar pounding in his head. "No... it can't be."

Raven removed her mask. She smirked on hearing Adam's horrified gasp. "Ready?" she asked.

"GET HER! GET HER NOW!" Adam howled.

Raven's eyes flashed.

**Menagerie**

Blake and Sun jumped when a portal opened in front of them in the Belladonna's backyard. Adam came barrelling out and crashed to the ground.

"No." Blake whispered, eyes wide in terror. Sun brought out his staff and prepared himself for a fight.

Adam sprang to his feet and looked at his surroundings in wild motions. His gaze locked on his former partner.

"BLAKE!" he roared and rushed at her.

Blake stepped in front of Sun, and shoved him out of the way. She wouldn't let Adam hurt any more of her friends. She shut her eyes and waited for the blow to come.

...

She heard someone sobbing.

"Uh, Blake? What's this guy's deal?" said Sun.

She slowly opened her eyes. She stared at the sight that met her.

Adam Taurus, the ruthless leader of the White Fang, was on the ground, hugging her legs and crying like a frightened calf.

"Make her stop Blake." He wailed, tears leaked through his mask. A woman with a grimm mask attached to her hip emerged from the portal.

"You must be the feline-fatale of team RWBY." said Raven, grinning when her handiwork emitted another anguished groan.

Sun whistled. "Wow. Dyed hair, dark clothes, giant mask. Someone went full-on emo."

"Y-Yang?" Blake eyes widened. "You- You dyed your hair?"

Raven gave her a smile and slashed at her, creating a portal below her. The cat and monkey faunus fell into it and the portal vanished. Adam however-

"Noo! Blake!" Adam clawed at the ground like a madman. He jumped when he felt a giant hand land on his shoulder.

"Adam Taurus I presume." said the hand's owner. "I'm Ghira Belladonna. My daughter has spoken about you in great length." he said while giving a curt nod over Adam's shoulder.

Adam gave him a shaky smile. "All good I hope."

Ghira raised a brow. "We have much to discuss Taurus."

Adam gulped. Well at least it wouldn't be mental torture.

**In Oniyuri**

"Haha Haha!" Tyrian laughed madly as he ducked under Ruby's slash and kicked her hard enough to send her flying into a broken building.

Tyrian ran in the direction of the building but was blocked off by the remaining members of RNJR.

"Not one step closer." said Nora brandishing her hammer.

"AAAHH!" Ruby screamed from within the building.

Tyrian slouched forward and smacked his face. "I know I hit her hard but not _that_ hard." He chuckled. "I hope I broke something important. Heheh Ahahaha!" He slammed a fist against his knee and howled in laughter.

"Guys hold him off. I'll check on Ruby." said Jaune getting nods from Nora and Ren. He ran inside the building.

"YAAH!" His screams soon followed.

Nora and Ren looked behind them with wide eyes. Tyrian ran past them, making use of their inattention.

He entered the building and sniffed. "Come out come out children. Uncle Tyrian will take care of you."

He spotted a red cloak near the staircase. He tried to yank it but ended up tearing it. "Hm what's this?" He knelt and observed it. "It's... coming _out_ of the floor?"

He stood up made his way back to the streets. His eyes narrowed on seeing them empty. Hearing a leaf crinkle he whirled around and lashed out with his tail.

Only to get it cut off.

"ARGH!" He clutched his tail and fell to his knees. He saw a woman smirking down at him. "You bitch!"

"Aww that stings you know."

Tyrian's lips flattened. His body shook and his mouth quivered before he started giggling. "Pft. Huhuhu."

He fell into the portal that opened below him, laughing away like a loon.

**In Patch**

Taiyang scratched his head looking at the portal that'd appeared in his front yard. "Raven! Is that you?" he yelled into it.

"Uh, if it is you could you give Zwei back! He kinda ran into your portal thingy."

"Raven you there?"

A note floated out of the portal and into his hand.

'Get your mutt yourself.' it said.

Taiyang scowled. "Damn it Raven... and you too Zwei."

With a sigh he walked into the portal.

Right as he went in another figure came screaming out and fell down in the Xiao Long's garden.

"Aaaaah!"

The main door burst open and Yang came running out.

"Hey what's going on- Weiss?! What are you doing here?"

Weiss didn't stop screaming.

Yang shook her. "Hey snap out of it! Come on."

Crack! Crack! Crack! Smash!

The glass windows shattered due to Weiss's voice reaching the glass's resonant frequency.

"Oh for the love of- Hey Weiss-cream Why-scream?"

"Okay that one was horri- where am I? Yang? When did you come to Atlas?" she blinked at her teammate.

"We're in Patch sweetheart. By the way neat outfit."

"It's _refined_ not _neat._ I was supposed to sing at a charity concert for the New Year's celebrations today." Weiss got up and dusted herself. "But then an insane woman appeared out of nowhere and pushed me into some kind of hole." She shivered. "I'm just glad I'm not dead."

"You okay?" Yang asked with a worried face.

Weiss nodded. "I will be."

Yang smiled and put her arm around Weiss's shoulder. "Well Atlas is a long way from here. So why don't you spend the night here. We can have our own little concert."

Weiss hummed. "That would be... nice." she smiled back.

"Cool!" Yang slapped Weiss's shoulder causing her to almost bowl over. "I'll bring out the karaoke set. Oh and you just _have_ to hear my dad sing. He's a riot!"

The two of the stepped into the house with Weiss rubbing her shoulder and muttering under her breath. Yang stopped near the entrance and narrowed her eyes.

"Someone's here. An intruder." Yang whispered. She gestured at Weiss that she would take point. Weiss nodded that she understood.

Yang took measured steps further into the house with Weiss right behind her. They stopped in-front of the closet beside the staircase.

Weiss grabbed the handle. "On three" she said.

"One, two, three!"

She slammed the door open and saw...

Blake and Sun hugging each other tightly with their eyes closed.

"Oh my." Weiss blushed and looked away.

Blake and Sun opened their eyes at the sound. They stared at each other and their positions. Their faces started heating up.

"Whelp, I'll leave you kids alone. Don't get too frisky now, you hear." Yang closed the door and walked away.

"Hey! We can't leave them like that. That's just-just indecent!" Weiss stammered.

"Eh? Give it a minute." said Yang, sitting on the stairs.

Blake burst out of the closet, red faced and panting.

"Sup cat-girl. So how is Sun? He a good kisser?" Yang waggled her eyebrows at Blake.

Blake glared at Yang. "Yang!" She stomped her way to her partner. Her glare gave way to a wrinkled brow as she got closer. "Yang... Yang I'm really so-"

"Hey I love the new look and what's up with the tan?"

If Blake had expected to find any reproach in her partner's face she was sorely disappointed. Her ears flattened.

"I... I..." Blake shook her head. "I was on a ship to Menagerie with Sun until recently. I stayed up on the deck most of the time."

Blake noticed a familiar look in Yang's face. "Oh Oum not this again..." she muttered.

"Hey I guess that makes you-"

"For Dust's sake Yang-"

"- a Sun kissed heroine."

Blake's face reunited with its best friend since initiation at Beacon, Blake's palm. Something about her partner's presence just made them _connect-_ if you know what I mean.

Weiss snickered. Blake scowled at her.

"Don't encourage her!"

"What? That was one of her better one's."

**Meanwhile in Oniyuri**

Qrow flew around in circles, panicking.

' _Shit Shit Shit! Tai's gonna kill me. Tai's gonna kill me. Tai's gonna kill me.'_

He spotted a note floating in the air. Grabbing it with his beak he landed on the ground and transformed back to a human.

It read:

'Brother, the children are fine, only slightly bruised. I sent them to Tai's place along with a few others. Hopefully they'll... Patch up before any more adventuring.

Your ever-humorous sister

P.S:- I know what you're thinking. Yes, I know who Yang's friends are. How else can I make up puns for when I meet them.'

Qrow grumbled. "You could've sent me too."

Another note landed in his hand.

'Yes, I could have. Ha ha ha. -insert maniacal laughter'

"Damn it Rae..."

**At the Xiao Long's backyard**

Jaune felt his life slipping away from him. He couldn't breathe, he couldn't move. Something heavy was crushing his back, making it impossible for his chest to expand.

"Whoopsie!"

And suddenly he could breathe again. He welcomed the fresh air that rushed into his system. He coughed and sat up. He looked up to see Nora grinning apologetically at him.

"Sorry Jaune, my hammer kinda landed on you." she gave him her hand.

"S'okay Nora." he grabbed it and pulled himself up. "Are the others okay? All I remember is someone grabbing me and throwing me backwards. After that it went all red."

"Well Ren is over there napping." Nora pointed at a patch of grass where the boy snored away. "He does that when he gets stressed out."

Jaune sweat-dropped. "And Ruby?"

"She's plundering the kitchen of that house behind you for cookies."

"What?! Why didn't you stop her."

"Come on fearless leader! Have some sense of adventure. Let's go look for pancakes in there." she said, pointing at the house with a heroic pose.

"zzz... Nora no taking -snore- stuff without asking zzz..." Ren sleep-talked. Jaune sweat-dropped again.

Ruby poked her head out of the kitchen window. "Guys! Guys! Guys! Come on in we've got cookies!" she jumped excitedly, chomping on a cookie in her hand.

"Hey! Who said you could eat the cookies! I just made them!" Jaune heard another voice from within and grew worried.

"Aww but they're delicious." Ruby bit into another one.

"Grr. Come here you!"

"Aah!"

Ruby disappeared into the kitchen. Sounds of a scuffle could be heard, with various kitchen utensils being thrown around.

"Ruby!" Jaune ran up to the window and jumped into it.

Ruby was directly in front of him, facing away. Jaune opened his arms so that he could grab her and prevent a collision. However, Ruby ducked under something and rolled away.

That something was one mean punch from a blonde haired girl named Yang.

In a perfect world Jaune would have dodged the punch, engulfed her in big hug and kissed her using the momentum of his jump.

But sadly in the real world he lost consciousness the second her fist met him, flew out the window and ended up beside a snoring Ren.

"Jauuuune." said Nora, frowning at him. "Is that any way to greet your girlfriend?"

"Ruby! Look what you made me do."

"Ha! That's the retribution of the cookie god!"

"You little..."

"Aah! Yang!"

"I swear you two are such children." a third voice said.

Nora picked Jaune up. "Now go in there and give her a big hug." She threw through the knight into the kitchen again.

Jaune blearily opened his eyes, kissed Yang's fist and re-assumed his position beside Ren. All while airborne.

"Not again!" Yang cried out.

"He he he. Cookies - 2, Meanie - 0"

**Yang's room**

Sun, Jaune and Ren were all piled up on Yang's bed, their respective states being- unconscious, possible brain damage and snooze mode.

The girls were sitting in a circle on the floor.

"Don't you find it strange that the same person brought us all here." said Blake

"Yes now that you mention we should probably set up traps around the house." said Weiss.

"Legs shall be broken!" Nora let out her battle cry.

Ruby was busy stuffing her mouth with sweets.

"Don't worry about it guys." said Yang, entering the room with a karaoke set and putting it on the floor. "I have a pretty good idea who it could be." She walked up to her desk beside the window and picked up the book she'd received from her uncle a long time ago. "I'm sure she means no harm."

"How sure?" Blake asked, watching Nora fiddle with the mike of the karaoke machine.

Yang ran her fingers over an autograph in her book which hadn't been there a day ago.

"Pretty sure."

Down in the bottom right of the first page it had been signed - 'The Ravenant'.

"Not quite the Ravenent yet mom." she whispered, looking out with a longing expression and touching the window pane.

"So who's going first?"

"Shouldn't we wake the boys?"

"Ruby where's your father?"

"I just hope that mutt doesn't come and jump on me."

Listening to her friends and sister chatter behind her, Yang grinned and turned around. She walked into the center of the circle and grabbed the mike.

"Don't mind if I go first girls. I dedicate my song to all of you and wish you all a puntastic new year ahead."

Blake's palm surprised Blake's face with another visit.

Outside the house a red portal closed shut.

**Back at Schnee stadium in Atlas**

Taiyang was singing with a mike on the stage and Zwei was running around him in circles while the music played. The stadium was howling in laughter and cheering him on.

"~Never gonna give you up,

Never gonna let you down,

Never gonna run around and desert you~"

Jacques Schnee looked at the man singing on the stage with disbelieving eyes. This man... this man had commandeered his stage and turned what was supposed to be a high society concert into a... into a... whatever it was now.

"James." he said to the General sitting beside him. "What the devil is happening?"

Ironwood had covered his face with his hand to conceal his smile. "You still don't get it Jacques."

Jacques shook his head.

Ironwood chuckled.

"Your daughter just Rick Rolled all of us."

Taiyang continued grooving to the music.


	10. Heir-brained ideas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer:- I don't own RWBY

* * *

**Outside Jacques' study**

Whitley Schnee stood before his father's study. He brushed his hair down and adjusted his tie. He took a deep breath and let it out. Lifting his hand, he knocked the door.

"Come in" said his father's voice from inside.

Opening the door, he saw his father sitting in his chair behind a desk. He was facing away from the door, looking at his portrait.

Whitley entered the room and closed the door behind him. He made his way to Jacques' desk.

"You sent for me, father" he said, shifting from one foot to the other.

"Stand straight young man" said his father's cutting voice.

Whitley winced at the sharp reprimand.

"Of course, father." He brought his legs closer, interlocked his hands behind him and stood erect.

Jacques rotated his chair and looked at him. He studied him carefully with a considering look.

Whitley sighed internally. He was sure he didn't do anything to earn his father's ire, at least not recently, so why this scrutiny. It couldn't be about the concert. It had been a huge success despite the main act disappearing. That Tai-something had been a hit and the last time he saw him he was signing autographs outside the stadium. He wouldn't be surprised if someone had offered him a record deal by now.

So what could it be? Some kind of concern his father felt over his sister's truancy? He'd lost it the first time she did it. Flipped a table and everything. Maybe he was checking for signs of said truancy in yours truly. Now that would be touching. Maybe he should try it, just to see his father's reaction. Both his sisters had done it, so there must be some valid reason like discovering yourself, pushing your limits, or finding your one true love.

...Pft. Yeah right. He'd _love_ to see the characters they'd bring home, if that ever happened. Better, he'd love to see father flip another table. Oh, he hoped his sisters found their true love soon.

Hell why wait, he should just tell his father that he's gay. Instant table flip.

"-olutely irresponsible. Just like her siste-"

That might actually make the family appear more progressive to the public, regardless of what his father might say. Now where should he plan to run off? Vacuo or Mistral? Not Vale though, Weiss had that covered. Wait why was he thinking this again. He _wanted_ to earn his father's favour, not actively forgo it like some others.

"- decided to disinherit Weiss."

Whitley's eyes widened on hearing that. He also realized that his father had been talking to him for the past five minutes. Well he had his full attention now.

Whitley put on a charming smile. "Father, I'm honored that you think I'm capable of leading our company. With your support and guidance, I will usher in a new era of prosperity for the people of Atlas."

Jacques smiled and cocked an amused brow at him. "Now who said anything about you leading the company?"

Whitley's smile cracked. "But if both Winter and Weiss are disinherited..."

"Whitley, how did I inherit the company?"

"You married mother and grandfather left it to... you..." Whitley blinked slowly. "You can't be serious father."

Jacques shrugged. "What do you want me to do Whitley? Two of my children turn out to be duds. Why should the third be any different?" Jacques shook his head. "Surely I have failed all three of you. Now I can only ensure that I don't fail the company as well."

Whitley's hands rushed to the desk and he leaned forward. "B-But father, you're punishing me for what they did. I never took part in that" he said, sweating slightly.

Jacques narrowed his eyes. "Compose yourself."

Whitley immediately stepped back and took a deep breath.

"Father" he began in a calmer vein. "Your decision to disinherit me along with them is baseless. I have never defied you in anything you deemed important. I have always placed the company before any personal wants or goals of mine."

Jacques leaned back and folded his hands as he looked his son in the eye.

"Then prove it."

Whitley scrunched his brow. "W-What?"

Jacques stood up and walked around his desk.

"I will be leaving for Vale shortly to personally see to the repairs of the CCT tower. The sooner we get it up and running, sooner will Ironwood lift his ban."

Jacques nodded to Whitley to follow him. The two of them exited the study and walked along the hallway.

"In the time I am gone, I want you to find a way to recover our losses. Discover something and patent it, launch a new product, sing like your sister, do whatever you can but recover our losses." He gave him a sidelong glance. "Show me that the company will be in good hands."

Whitley's face paled. He gulped and nodded jerkily. He flinched when Jacques put a hand on his shoulder.

Jacques' face softened. "I did it when I was younger, Whitley. Now you need to show me that you can do it too. I've transferred enough money into your account to get you started. More than thrice the amount I had in fact."

Feeling wind brushing against his face, Whitley looked around to see that they'd walked outside to the manor's airstrip. A group of security guards surrounded Jacques, and they, along with a group of people wearing SDC uniforms, made their way to the air jet.

"Y-You're leaving right now?" He gave his departing father an incredulous look. "I have no idea where to start!" He said to Jacques who was just outside the door of the jet.

"Just do what I did!" Jacques said over the engines starting up.

"What?!"

"Wing it!"

With that the door closed shut. The jet rose vertically into the air. After attaining enough altitude it sped away and soon became a dot in the sky.

Whitley glared at the dot. " _That's_ your advice!" He exclaimed, throwing his hands in the air.

He shoved his hands into his pockets and stalked back into the manor. "Thanks a lot, father" he muttered under his breath.

**Inside the manor library**

Whitley banged his head against the table and moaned.

Stacks of books were strewn around, company records decorated the floor and the terminal in front of him had multiple tabs opened. It had already been two months since his father had left and he was no closer to recovering anything. The board of directors frowned and shook their heads whenever they spotted him, no doubt thinking of all the money he wasted on his ideas.

He'd tried selling toys but apparently his choice of toys were out of fashion. Not even half of them sold.

He'd bought the publishing rights of a few children's tales, so far his only buyer outside Atlas had been some farmhand called Oscar. His father was right to leave immediately for Vale, this amount of distrust from the other kingdoms was ridiculous.

His mother had suggested that he try his hand in the shoe industry. His response had been a raised brow. Did his mother really think that'd work? They were dust experts not shoe manufacturers.

His latest idea had been to make a movie. He even set up a production company. The problem? No one was willing to work with the script he'd come up with. They vanished the moment he uttered 'The tales of the Valorous Whitley'.

Whitley lifted his head and opened a new tab. He logged in to check his remaining funds. Holding his head he let out another moan on seeing the figures. They'd appeared so big when he first lay eyes on them, now they seemed so tiny.

Oh he knew why the company was facing losses, and it wasn't solely because of the dust embargo. The kingdoms had lost trust in Atlas and more importantly the SDC. The goods were shipping but the sales were abysmal. How did his father expect him to fix an international issue? How did he expect him to change people's opinions when they wouldn't even glance at anything with the SDC logo. Had he thought that dust was the only problem? Or was this a gamble of his to see if someone else at the helm could shake things up and set them right?

Whitley frowned. Maybe he was approaching this from a wrong angle? The SDC's main ad campaign was to prove that they were always the best. But that couldn't work now. Not when people didn't even give them the time of the day.

Whitley brought up a search engine and began typing.

'How to grab people's attention against their will'

The results flooded Whitley's eyes. His lips slowly turned up. Yes. Oh yes. This could work.

His shoulders shook as dark chuckles escaped him. A crazed glint entered his eyes.

Ignore him will they. Well then he'd just have to rectify that now won't he.

Ha ha ha.

He'd _make_ them acknowledge him.

Across the world, four hunters looked up at the sky and grinned. Another had joined their ranks.

**A month later at a mall in Mistral**

Weiss walked up to the toy store employee along with Yang. The store was filled with adults and children buying the SDC's latest toy. And most of the customers seemed to be faunus for some reason. Weiss watched the people chuckling and huddling over the plaything and frowned. Just two days ago SDC goods were avoided like the plague but now they were hottest thing in town? She had to know what her father cooked up.

Weiss saw Yang pick up one of the demo toys. A box with a crank in its side. How did her father get people to buy such an outdated plaything. Especially in an age where digital games were the latest fad among children.

"Excuse me?" she said to the employee as Yang stepped behind her and was turning the crank with a small smile.

"Yes" he turned around.

"The SDC's new toy seems to be quite popular." she said. Behind her she heard the box popping open.

"Oh my dust~" Yang laughed.

"Oh, it is, miss." The employee gave Weiss a smile. "It's all because of their new marketing strategy. Some people may cringe but I personally think it's hilarious." He chuckled.

Weiss raised a brow. "Is it-"

"Oh man~"

Weiss began again. "I mean to say-"

"Ha ha ha~"

Weiss whirled around with a glare. "Do you mind! I'm trying to... to... wh-what?" Weiss' brow reached her hairline. "F-Father?" she stammered looking at Jacques' aristocratic mustache and fine suit. He was looking at her with upturned eyes and a businessman's smile.

"So how do you like it? Isn't he a beaut?" The employee said looking at her expectantly.

Weiss cringed. "Wh-What is that _thing_?" she said, pointing with a shaky arm.

The employee blinked.

"Why, it's Jacques-in-the-box of course."

Weiss _cringed._

A snickering Yang snapped a picture of Weiss' face with her scroll.

**On the second floor of the same mall**

Blake and Jaune were walking together, looking at the various stores. Jaune spoke to her with a furrowed brow.

"So what you're saying is that this, Jackie-"

"Jacques" Blake corrected him.

"This Jacques Schnee disinherited Weiss? Is that why she was so upset after her sister's call last night?" he asked.

Blake nodded. "It was even announced on the television."

Jaune glared ahead of him. "Why that no good-"

Blake put a hand on his shoulder. "Don't bother Jaune. Nothing we can do about it. Just be there for Weiss I guess. Now come on I want to buy some books, I'm sure I saw a store somewhere."

The two of them spotted a bookstore and made their way to it. They saw a tanned boy with freckles and black hair held up by two security guards and being escorted away from the store. The boy had a placard in his hand.

"Hey! Leave me alone! I'm innocent!" he yelled, struggling.

"Uh huh? Then what was all that 'Corruption of Fairy tales' nonsense you were shouting." asked one guard.

"The voice in my head told me to!" the boy said, looking at him with wide eyes. "You have to believe me! Arrest him not me!"

"Yeeeah... we'll just settle for you." The guard said, ignoring the boy's protests and taking him away.

Blake and Jaune entered the store, staring after the scene they'd seen. Blake went up to the cashier while Jaune wandered over to the comic's section.

"What was that all about?" Blake asked her.

"That? Just ignore it. The boy was just upset with the SDC's new get rich quick book."

Blake's eyes perked up in interest. "The SDC published a book?"

The cashier nodded. "They say the big man wrote it himself under a pseudonym." She picked up a stack of books on her counter and searched through them. "Aha!" she said fishing one out.

She handed it over it Blake

Blake read the title.

'Jacques and the beanstalk.'

The cashier fished out another book. "We even have a tale of epic romance called Jacques and Jill." The cashier sniffed. "It's terrible in the end how Jacques freezes in the icy wa- Oops!" The cashier bopped her head and smiled sheepishly. "Sorry, I got carried away. Didn't mean to spoil it for you."

Blake was dragging her palm across her face.

The cashier put a concerned hand on Blake's shoulder. "Don't worry dear, Jacques still lives. His arch-nemesis saves him using his gravity Schnee-kers."

Blake made a bewildered face. "Schnee- _what_?"

The cashier gave Blake a puzzled look. "You haven't heard of them? They're the shoes made by the SDC using dust fabric."

"Hey Blake! Check this out!" Jaune came jogging to her with a comic in hand. "The makers of X-Ray and Vav started a new comic!" he said with an excited grin.

Blake mechanically turned her head.

"Jacqu-ie Chan Adventures. Sounds pretty cool huh?" Jaune beamed, shoving the comic in her face.

Blake saw Jacques Schnee engaged in battle with a horde of demon ninjas.

Blake felt like shooting herself.

"Corruption of Fairy tales!" she suddenly shouted. "Down with the Schnee! Corruption of Fairy tales!"

"Oh Oum not another one." the cashier groaned and pressed the button for security.

**Meanwhile**

A drunk man was walking swaying from side to side. Streetlights flickered on and off as they bathed the street in orange light.

Klick... Klack... Klick... Klack...

He turned unfocused eyes to the sound behind him. Seeing nothing he scratched his chin and continued on his way.

Klick... Klack... Klick... Klack...

He turned again, only to see nothing. He gulped and checked his watch. He started walking faster.

Klick.. Klack.. Klick.. Klack..

"Show yourself!" he yelled, whirling around. He looked around wildly. "Come out!"

Klick.

"Ah!" his head shot to the source of that sound.

Klick-Klick-Klick.

"Oh god no..." All color left his body as he took a step back. "Oh please no."

Klack?

"I-I have a family. T-Two kids. Oh god please." he sobbed and pleaded, backing away slowly

Klick! Klick! Klick!

"No. NOOO! AAAAHHHHH!"

Blood curdling screams echoed the streets that night.

The next morning.

A man was crouching beside a dead body and examining it. A police officer marched up to him.

"Sir, we've identified the weapon used" the officer said with a grimace. "It's him sir... he's back."

"It's JTR"

The man got up and barked. "Don't sound so scared, Peter! You're an officer for crying out loud." He walked away, putting a cigarette into his mouth and lighting it. "I'm going to find you, you monster. And this time..."

The man balled his fist.

"Only one of us is going to survive... Jacques the Ripper."

' _Brought to you by by the Schnee Film Company.'_

' _Jacques the Ripper: The Hunt Begins!'_

' _In theaters, fall of next year.'_

Ruby watched the commercial playing outside the weapons shop with a tilted head.

"I wonder what weapon he used."

**In a hotel at Vale**

"- So father I was wondering if you could come and act in the movie. Don't worry it's only a small role. But it's important!" said Whitley, smiling through the terminal screen.

"... you want me to act now."

"Oh come on father." Whitley rolled his eyes. "You're a Jacques of all trades. I'm sure you can do it. Just think of the opportunity this creates for our company."

Jacques gave him a withering glare. "Whitley, I leave for three months and _this_ is what you do! Turn me into a joke! With all these harebrained ideas of yours."

"... I prefer the term heir-brained."

" _Whitley!"_

"Father, haven't you checked the reports? In a few months it's predicted that we'll make a full recovery! And after that, more profit than ever. Isn't that a good thing?"

Jacques scowled at him. "Do you have any idea what you've done Whitley? The other day I was walking outside and-and I've become a joke!" Jacques ran a hand through his hair. "The children want to play hunter with Uncle Jacqu-ie. Women sigh, giggle and make googly eyes at me. And the men invite me for drinks and conversation. It's maddening!"

"That seems more like a personal issue..."

Jacques continued. "Though the main problem is that you have acted in a way that is unbecoming of a Schnee, more so than your sisters. I am most displeased with you Whitley."

"Oh" said a feminine voice. "But I am pleased." A woman stepped behind Whitley and gave Jacques a pleasant smile. "He was quite Schnee-ky in my opinion," she said chuckling lightly.

"Good one Mother." Whitey smiled at her.

She returned his smile. "You continue what you're doing Whitley, you have my blessings. In the end-" she turned to Jacques "-that's all that matters."

Jacques' eyes widened. "You're joking."

"Have a safe trip back dear" she said and walked off the screen.

Jacques and Whitley stared at each other. One vacantly and the other delightedly.

After a while Jacques coughed and began. "So about that acting role. Could we make it a bigger part."

Whitley beamed at him. "I knew you'd come around."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked it.
> 
> Cheers! :)


	11. Holiday Special: Fair-retail

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer:- I don't own RWBY

* * *

**In a mall afflicted with the seasonal spirit of giving**

"Whitley!"

Whitley bit down a groan as he heard the shrill indignant yell. What was _she_ doing here? And weren't singers supposed to sound more melodious. He picked up his pace, hopefully he can get behind that shelf in time-

"Hey! I can see you you know!"

Ugh, like scratching nails on a chalkboard. Her music teacher must've been a miracle worker. He sighed and pasted a bright smile on his face.

"Weiss! I thought I heard you. What a surprise no what a miracle! The magic of the holiday season surely" he said, looking every bit like a kid who'd been given his present early.

Weiss growled. Clad in a fluffy gray jacket and leg hugging pants she glared at her brother. Said brother, who looked every bit like a stereotypical business man with a top hat and a cane to boot, merely smiled wider.

"It truly is nice to see you sister. I'd been Weissolated for far too long" Whitley smirked.

Weiss's face scrunched and she stopped short of screaming.

The boy chuckled. Ah, he'd forgotten how nice it was to have a sister. Nothing felt more satisfying them disgruntling them. Weiss's eye twitches or Winter's aggressive outbursts always made his day.

Taking a calming breath and slapping her cheeks, Weiss resumed glaring at him.

"Right... nice to see you. You seem to be taking your new role quite well." she said eying his attire. "A little too well considering your recent exploits?" she said with a raised brow.

"Ah" Whitley put a hand on his heart and turned his head away. "It is my love for the company which compels me to do so. A love which is nothing to Schnee-ze at."

Another strangled scream.

"Stop that!"

Innocent eyes turned to the twitching ones.

"Oh don't you try that on me! You know what I mean. You've reduced our company to a mockery of its former self!"

Whitley scoffed. "I made it a household name."

"No, more like a household shame" Weiss glowered at him. "And what _is_ all this anyway." She said waving her hand at the shelves and shelves of merchandise.

Merchandise which looked her father in various action roles. The recent blond rock sensation 'The Tai-phoon'. The punky Funkies. And many other pun infested thingamajigs.

"And where are my friends? I saw you talking to them."

Whitley turned away from her and began to walk further into the mall. "I wouldn't expect a _huntress_ to understand the finer aspects of business."

" _You little brat."_ She rapped him on the head and was rewarded with an pained squawk.

"Hey!"

The bickering pair walked among the troves of parents and children. The parents expertly steering their tiny tots away from toys well out of their paychecks. Classical tunes played in the background with the oh so familiar jingles.

Ho ho ho. Went the familiar fat man dressed in red. With children lined up to sit on his lap. With a merry laugh he'd convince them that what they wanted was right in that store 'round that corner. And the manager would smile benevolently from behind.

All in all it was a festival of giving... people a way to spend their money.

The Schnee siblings stopped before the auditorium. The scheduled play's banner hung on the wall, proudly displaying Schnee Film Company's latest play. A fair maiden with long golden hair struck a woeful pose atop a tall tower, while a blond knight rode on a horse desperately looking for the love of his life.

Weiss frowned at him. "Why did you bring me here? Will you tell me what you did to my friends already?"

Whitley pointed at the banner. "Don't they look familiar?"

Weiss looked up. Her eyes twitched. Violently.

" _You brat!_ " She lifted him by his collar and began shaking him. "What _is_ that?! Why my friends?! And what in the world do you have against fairy tales!"

"A-Ah, it i-is only a fair-retail d-d-dear sister. Nothing personal. O-only profits."

The banner of the play read.

'Ra-pun-zel: A r̶e̶t̶a̶i̶l̶i̶n̶g̶ retelling'

**Snippets from the play Ra-pun-zel: A retelling**

Yang leaned on the balcony of the tall and impossible to climb tower, which overlooked a forest. "Oh why does my step-mother keep me locked away in this awful tower. Oh how I long to see the land beyond."

"Now why does my darling Ra-pun-zel look so long." said Raven appearing out of the shadows.

Yang jumped in surprise. "Step-mother!"

"Mother." Raven corrected with a twitching eyebrow.

"Step-mother I didn't see you there" said Yang with a smirk before she looked down with a sad face. "Why can't I leave this tower step-mother? I want to meet my father. Ever since you bought me that record player with his songs in it." Yang pressed a remote.

"Doot Doot Doot~"

"Baby watch out  
Here comes the  
Tai-phoon~"

"The Tai-phoon~  
Oh yeah"

_The S-Tai-le by Taiyang Xiao Long available for purchase at your local Schnee Records_

"Ever since then I wanted to be a rockstar."

Raven put a hand on Yang. "Listen to your mother Ya- I mean Rapunzel. He'll only lead you astray."

Yang snickered. "Don't you mean ast- _rae_ Step-Mother Raven."

Raven scowled and turned away. But a proud smile did shine through for a second.

The audience, already exposed to the wonders of punnery via SDC's campaign, chuckled and clapped at the deliveries.

A crack spidered across the wall. Yang and Raven turned their heads towards it.

Jaune burst through the wall.

"IT'S JAUNE CENA!"

The auidence went crazy at the sight of the shirtless knight wearing SDC shorts, an SDC cap, a magical SDC fire spitting sword, SDC Schnee-kers, and going into more detail would require the play be rated M.

"My prince!" Rapunzel swooned with a hand on her forehead.

"My stain on the floor!" Raven grabbed her sword.

**Meanwhile at Haven academy**

"Uh Qrow, Ozpin is asking where you're taking me." said Oscar, following Qrow through the hallways of Haven academy. "He says he's wary of how you're chuckling."

Walking ahead of the teenage farmer, Qrow threw a smirk back at him. "Tell him not to worry. We're just going to meet an old friend."

Oscar's wide eyes became sharper. "Hm, old friend you say? I do find myself wanting to see a familiar face." said Ozpin.

"Oh you'll be wanting alright." Qrow said, throwing open the doors to Lionheart's chambers.

"-appreciate your help Headmaster." said a feminine voice through the terminal before Lionheart.

Ozpin rubbed his chin. That voice...

Hearing them enter, Lionheart smiled at them. He grabbed the terminal and turned it around.

A visage of a stern bespectacled woman greeted the scarecrow and the wizard. Qrow gave her a two fingered salute and pushed Ozpin forward.

He glared at Qrow and then faced the terminal. He smiled warmly at the woman. "When he said old friend I hadn't imagined it'd be you. II believe the term family fits better."

The woman looked at the boy with a frown. "And who might you be?"

Ozpin chuckled. "Surely Glynda, my lack of a mug doesn't rob me of my identity? Or hasn't Qrow filled you in on the details yet." He spared the scarecrow a glance.

The woman's chair fell with a thud as she stood up abruptly and leaned forward on her desk. Her lips quivered. "O-Ozpin?"

Ozpin's eyes widened. "Glynda, there no need for te-"

"You _idiot!"_ she snarled.

The force of her outburst made him shrink away. "W-What?" he said with wide eyes.

"How dare you! Who gave you permission to die while being grounded you dim-witted wizard!" Her hands whipped out her riding crop. "You'd be alive if you had just stayed put and not run off. Give me one good reason why I shouldn't ground you aga-"

A sniff.

"... Ozpin?"

Ozpin looked away and rubbed his eyes. "Excuse me. Lionheart appears to be cutting onions. He's quite the chef you see." He chuckled weakly. Turning back to his former deputy, he gave her a watery smile. "Oh Oum you look so ragged. I hope the students aren't giving you much trouble."

"They're... manageable." Glynda rubbed her forehead. "If only someone hadn't gotten themselves killed." she sighed.

Ozpin rubbed the back of his head. "I'm just glad you're safe."

Glynda's breath hitched and she looked away.

"I knew you were alive but... seeing is believing as they say. Or something like that. Beacon would've been lost without you." he said with a soft smile.

"No more than it is without you." she whispered.

"You know, if it weren't for Oz hijacking a kid I'd tell you two to get a room."

"Qrow!" Lionheart said. "Don't interrupt them!" A bowl of popcorn lay on his desk.

Glynda coughed and adjusted her glasses. "Well then, I'll be seeing you soon in any case." She glared at Ozpin. "Try not to die before my arrival."

The terminal went out.

Ozpin sighed mightily and wiped the sweat off his forehead. "I can't believe that worked! Fear not Oscar, I believe I've effectively taken her mind off of grounding us."

Leaning against the wall, Qrow scoffed. "Pft. With acting like that? No wonder you got an Oscar."

Ozpin's eyes shot up.

"... Damn." said Lionheart with a wince.

**Pun highlights from the play Ra-pun-zel: A retelling**

Jaune and Yang panted as they escaped the guards on their tail. The monkey faunus who'd helped them dropped down from the trees and laughed.

"Thank you!" said Yang, getting her breath back. "You really helped us out there, Mr..."

Sun put a hand behind his back. "The names Sun Wu Kong but babe-" he presented Yang a rose and winked. "You can call me Sun _Woo_ Kong."

Jaune growled.

* * *

"Soo, why are you called the Ren-egade prince?" Jaune asked Ren who was fighting a horde of grimm back-to-back with Jaune.

Smacking away a beowolf Ren said, "I'd opposed Queen Nora's pancake exploitation."

Jaune eyes widened, as he skewered the nevermore. "Man, that takes some guts... is that why she's after you?"

Ren blushed. "Uhh, no. Apparently she likes a man with a backbone. And she also likes my pancakes."

Jaune snickered. "You know that sounds like innuend-"

Ren hissed. "Oh shut up."

* * *

The kunoichi smirked at her bound prisoners. Yang, Jaune and Sun struggled against their bonds.

"Why are you doing this?" Yang asked her tearfully. "You can't hand me to my step-mother Blake-"

" _Damn it girl I'm your mother!"_ a muffled voice said backstage.

"-I thought we were friends."

Blake laughed with contempt. "Oh Rapunzel, Rapunzel, Rapunzel. How easy it was to fool you. Do you even know how much you are worth?"

"When'd you do it?" Yang whispered looking away.

Blake smirked. "Do what?"

"When'd you Blake-List us? Was it before or after you befriended us?"

Blake's smile cracked. She scowled.

"You know what I can't do this."

She threw her weapon prop and jumped off the stage.

"Blake come on! Don't be such a sourpuss." Yang called after her.

Blake however did a mental tap-dance at having ruined an SDC production.

"Without you who's gonna do all the Blake-humor. Nobody's as morbid as you! Try to see it from our Yangle."

Blake ignored their goading and happily sneaked away.

**At Salem's place**

"Ho Ho Heueheheh Ahahahah" Tyrian Call-ows cackled throwing a bag filled with presents into a sleigh pulled by a horde of boarbatusks.

"I implore you my Queen this is a bad idea." Watts insisted.

"Silence Watts. Despair needs joy. So we shall make the children happy." Salem said, as the Santa suit clad Tyrian jumped into the sleigh.

"But why _him._ He's the worst one to do this!"

"Don't worry Hazel will help him."

"Yes."

Watts jumped at the voice behind him. Whirling around he saw a large man in a green helper elf costume.

"You look ridiculous" Watts voiced his thoughts.

"I know." rumbled the hulking figure, walking over to the sleigh and seating himself.

"Nobody needs to die tonight." he declared.

"... okay." said Watts.

"He was talking to Tyrian." said Salem.

Tyrian looked confused. "But Watts told me to ride the slay and gift the children. Why else would he want me to dress in red?"

"He was Tyrian's minder before we realized he's more useful insane." Salem informed Watts. "Old habits I guess."

"Nobody needs to die tonight." Hazel said again, grabbing the reins. "And Watts meant sleigh as in what we're sitting in right now. Not the liberation of the soul."

Tyrian scowled and sat down with a huff. "Well there goes my Merry Christmas."

"Hyah!" Hazel got the boarbatusks moving. "Nobody needs to die tonight. And I'll buy you that guillotine you wanted if you behave."

Tyrian pepped up as the sleigh blasted off into the sky.

"Ho Ho Heueheheh Ahahahah! MERRY CHRISTMAS! Ahahahah!"

Watts and Salem stared at it as it disappeared into the horizon.

"Now then, what information do you have about the spring maiden Watts-"

**In the mall, after the play**

Whitley led a fuming Weiss.

Whitley began with a sweating brow. "Now I know you are angry. And you may be thinking why shouldn't I just beat up my brother, my _dear_ brother." he said, appending the endearment in an attempt to appeal to her feelings of familial love.

Weiss cracked her knuckles. "Oh I wanna do more than just beat you up."

"But I have a surprise for you! An old friend who you'd thought gone!" he hurried to say. "I even gave her a new job after Ironwood dismissed her."

Weiss's eyes widened. "Don't tell me..."

"Hahaha! You caught me! Now out comes the candy!" Weiss heard that familiar exuberant voice and whirled around with a smile.

She froze.

There stood Penny laughing happily with a gaggle of children, shooting candy out of her palms much to the children's joy.

The play-pen containing her and the children read.

"Penny-ata: The robotic piñata. Catch her and getch'er candy!"

Penny looked up and squealed on spotting Weiss.

"Friend Weiss! It is wonderful to see you!" she waved at Weiss.

Waving back faintly, Weiss spoke in a chilling voice. "Whitley you can write your will now." She looked at him and found nobody there. "What in the-? _That brat!"_

And so kiddies the moral of the story is - puns rule! So have a Merry Christmas! Ta ta~ And buy SDC products. They are the best. In the world. Of all time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> May the pun be with you.
> 
> Live long and crack puns.
> 
> Pun time is fun time.
> 
> :)


End file.
